Married Life - What would you do - Advice

RDJ said:

I would tend to disagree with this. the hardest thing about any relationship is for person A to realize that it is not working and pack it in instead of continuing to beat their head against the brick wall that is person B.

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How about "the absolute hardest thing about keeping any relationship functioning....".

I agree, sometimes the hardest is knowing when to throw in the towel.

RDJ said:

there is not "well if you have one you will see you can love one" it doesn't work that way.

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Sure there is. That's exactly what happened to me. I never thought I wanted kids. I couldn't stand other people's annoying kids in public, though I'd be a terrible father, etc... Then, I got my ex pregnant, and my daughter arrived. Now, I can't imagine life without her. Maybe that's an unusual series of events, I don't know. *shrug*

Anyhow, regarding the OP, it sounds like you guys have a lot of stress already. Even if you decide right now you want to have kids, it's probably not the best idea, given the state of things. As much as my experience with it sucked, I'd recommend at least trying a counselor. There's really nothing to lose by trying, and it may help more than you can imagine.

RDJ said:

Not all women are cut out to me mothers. just like not all men are cut out to be dads. if your description is accurate she is not cut out to be a mom and if you really want kids get out now, or adjust your expectations and take some solace in your nieces and nephews. She will not make a good mom, she cannot "teach your child to be smart", children cannot be "taught to be smart". you have a choice to make, stay with her and have no kids, leave her find someone who wants to have kids and have a few and those are your only choices. there is not "well if you have one you will see you can love one" it doesn't work that way.

as far as your mom goes, you have zero obligations to her folks, she has zero obligations to yours. your mom set the stage for their relationship early on, and you are now dealing with the consequences, in this respect be glad you don't have kids because the kids will be affected by their relationship and not in a good way.

you set the stage for her attitude toward your drinking early on and now she is wary of your "cutting down" can't blame her for that at all.

Frankly my advice based on your two lengthy posts is to get out while you can and before you even accidentally get her preggers and then have to deal with kids and subject them to the unhappiness that will result.

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This.

I set my wife’s expectation of me and she the set my expectations of her before were married. She was told there is no changing me, love me or leave me. We work out things together and neither of us gets there way.

We both did this because this was the second time we each were married and didn’t level set expectations the first time around and we learned from our mistake.

I suggest professional counseling. There is no shame in asking someone for help to avoid losing something special.

From what you have said, it seems that you are both in a tough spot. You mentioned breaking up a few times while dating and you chased after her. With the vision of hindsight, what was going on then that would be red flags that you recognize now?

You both agreed to not have kids. You both agreed to marry. It's not fair for you to change the rules and then be mad at her.

You have no obligation to your mother. You are an adult and a married man. Your only obligation is to your wife and marriage.
You say she is a psychopath and that you have contemplated suicide as a result of the relationship. Does maintaining a relationship with her sound like a good idea? Does subjecting your wife to a relationship with her sound like a good idea?

You say that you don't drink a lot, but already dumped a couple hundred dollars of beer and still have another $500-$1000 worth of beer/liquor? I don't drink, but that sounds like a lot. Does she come from a family with an alcoholic?

It seems that, possibly, you were not ready for a relationship, yet alone, marriage. Did the two of you make a mistake in getting married?

If the two of you are truly committed to each other and the marriage, then counseling would be a good idea. If you really want kids and she doesn't, is this a deal breaker for you?

Don't take any of this as a personal attack or judgment. I am only trying to provide an opinion/ideas of the situation you describe.

9397SVTs said:

From what you have said, it seems that you are both in a tough spot. You mentioned breaking up a few times while dating and you chased after her. With the vision of hindsight, what was going on then that would be red flags that you recognize now?

I recognize that I could have been a better person then, which is why I chased her and did change myself. Now I fill my life with positive things, don't let small things, let alone most things get me angry or bring me down. She helped with that.

You both agreed to not have kids. You both agreed to marry. It's not fair for you to change the rules and then be mad at her.

I'm not mad that she doesn't want kids. For the past few years, we've talked about it more and more and she didn't take it serious enough to consider. When she asked me how I really felt and I told her, she was in awe and couldn't relate to me right then and there. She wants time to determine if she wants kids. I'm giving her that.

You have no obligation to your mother. You are an adult and a married man. Your only obligation is to your wife and marriage.
You say she is a psychopath and that you have contemplated suicide as a result of the relationship. Does maintaining a relationship with her sound like a good idea? Does subjecting your wife to a relationship with her sound like a good idea?

I disagree. At the end of the day, she is my mother. She has physical illnesses and also mental issues that I've tried to help her with over the years. My wife has not put really any effort into to helping me help someone I care about and that has an impact on the relationship anyway you look at it. My wife expects me to contribute to her parents, which I more than do, but, she won't reciprocate to my family. That hurts when you're alone while being married.

You say that you don't drink a lot, but already dumped a couple hundred dollars of beer and still have another $500-$1000 worth of beer/liquor? I don't drink, but that sounds like a lot. Does she come from a family with an alcoholic?

I'll elaborate. Bourbon is expensive, usually $30-$50 a bottle. I dumped several bottles of bourbon, over two dozen bottles of beer that I cellar and save for a later time or special occasion with friends. Plus, I have a few bottles of Bourbon that are worth upwards of $150 a bottle, plus rare barrel aged beers that I cellar that are considered special that I do not drink myself. I typically have 2-3 beers on the 1-2 days a week I drink, or a small glass with maybe two to three shots worth of bourbon and call it quits. I don't drink every day, not even close. A four pack of beer lasts me 1-2 weeks at times as I only have one or two on a given weekend.

It seems that, possibly, you were not ready for a relationship, yet alone, marriage. Did the two of you make a mistake in getting married?

Neither of us were when we were younger. We worked issues out, talked to each other about how we felt, what we wanted and decided to give things another chance. Things haven't been so good since then and only in the past recent years, things have been rocky. We've both talked about this and the last thing we both think is that this was a mistake getting married. We both want to put the effort into this relationship and not give up. The last thing I want is a divorce.

If the two of you are truly committed to each other and the marriage, then counseling would be a good idea. If you really want kids and she doesn't, is this a deal breaker for you?

I believe you're right and counseling could be an option for us. I'll talk to her about that. Having kids is most likely a deal breaker. I want to have a family and I don't think it is fair that I should give that privilege/right up for the sake of saving a marriage that could lead to future problems and resentment from both sides.

Don't take any of this as a personal attack or judgment. I am only trying to provide an opinion/ideas of the situation you describe.

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No offense taken. I appreciate your honesty.

My responses are outlined in bold below your questions.

-Chris

All I can say is you guys are on very different pages, and it's not good. I would get a professional to see you both, as well as individually, as you're both likely to hold back on things when in the same room.

Set some time frames to circle back to the “big” discussions such as kids, drinking, and your mother.

Example: we need to make a decision on kids by June 1, so think about this a lot and be prepared for said discussion in June.

Then you need to go into the discussion knowing what you want. If you want kids and this is a non-starter topic for you moving forward, then be prepared to call it a day and move on.

Agree the worst thing you can do right now, today, is add kids into this.


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The toughest thing about marriage....is marriage. It's good that you are in the early stages of reaching out for advice on what to do with your marriage. That means you still want it to work, which is good. You have to be selfless for a marriage to last as you seem to already know, but i would say it doesn't sound like your wife is being as selfless as you are.

Counciling is the next best step to work out your issues. Us guys here on SVT can give YOU advice but you need someone to give You and the Mrs. shared advice and tasks for things to get better. It has to be from someone who sees both sides of the story and not just one.


Good luck, O.P.! I wish you and your wife the best.


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Tough spot indeed, op.

After reading through the entire thread.

I have one question, and think truthfully.

Do you feel your wife has your back, 100%? I’m distant from my old ladies folks, but that’s due to circumstance. Tanya understands, and accepts that fact. Her parents are VASTLY different from mine, as mine are more involved / caring. Tanyas grown to enjoy my parents company, and i cherish that.

It’s important to compromise. Does your wife KNOW her not helping with your mom bothers you? Does she KNOW you have total control over your drinking, and she need not worry? 4 beers a week is far from abnormal. People i know (when they were a functioning alcoholic) drank 12-18 per day. For years. Never went to work drunk, never late to work. 4 beers is nothing.

The kids.....you both agreed no kids from the beginning. Can’t really blame her for still feeling the same. I have guys on this forum tell me i would be a great father (thank you guys) - but i just don’t see myself as a dad. Not something i desire. Luckily my old lady doesn’t want kids either.

Lots to think about. A true heart to heart would do a lot of good, but only if both parties listen.

Life is way too short to live unhappy. I was in a similar circumstance. My only regret is that I didn’t leave sooner. This in no way means should you NOT try to keep working out on it or seek counseling.

I just found that things rarely work out for a couple if only one person is trying. Been happy ever since.

I don't have much advice to give other than I'd recommend seeing a counselor by yourself if she isn't willing to go. It can still help. You can even speak with a pastor. There are really good pastors that counsel as well. My wife and I have been together off and on for 16 years and married for 12. It seems as if we have had more downs than ups but we're both committed. I'm probably a little different from some people because I took an oath with God that day also that I said for better or for worse and I take it to heart. We're both mid 30's now and have done a lot of growing and maturing so that probably helps. Also, get the book The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman and I'd encourage you both to read it. It will give you a different perspective on how your partner might think or feel. I hope y'all can work things out.

My take on this and unfortunately I’ve been married 3 times.
Quick run down
1st marriage I was a drunken ass.
She was a nice girl and it was mostly my fault it didn’t work.
2nd marriage I only got married because she got pregnant and I wanted to be part of my son’s life. I lived in Canada she lived in Texas and to move to the US to be with my son marriage was the easiest way. I knew pretty quickly it wasn’t going to last. I stuck it out for 8yrs and when I caught her cheating I ran out the front door and never looked back.
3 wife is a great but a few things that may help you.
1st off, I told her I wasn’t going to get married again but after 5 years she started pushing for it. I finally gave in but told her this was for her cause I don’t need to be married to be happy.
So she likes to drink some but after 2-3 beers her character changes.
When dating
We had many arguments about it and told her we are done
So after many promises we got back together this happening more than once.
She finally stop but after a year of being married she started having some drinks again. Anyway it got to the point she was sneaking alcohol in and drinking without me seeing.
So about a month ago it got bad and I was 99% done, I took her off all my account took my credit cards back.
I really do love her so she got another chance.
Point in all this is, does your character change after x amounts of drinks and maybe after 2 your wife is like if I can get him to stop now all will be good.
I’m sure your wife married you for sober you, not buzzed you.
Kid scenario both of you the plan was not to have any, just because you changed your mind you can’t expect her to.
Trust me on this 100% a child is going to cause stress in the marriage and if you are already on rocky ground it won’t be good.
If you both love each other, work on marriage first maybe compromise you will stop drinking if you both can agree on having a child.
If you can’t stop drinking for a child then you most not want one very badly or compromise and not drink if she will help you with your family.
Marriage is definitely a compromise just don’t compromise so much you loose who you are!
Remember if your not happy with yourself no one can make you happy!
Also from what you say if you have a child you most likely will be the primary care giver. I was with my son and it was tuff but worth it.
PS I never wanted a child but sure am happy I had my son.



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1) Do not have kids until the marriage situation is resolved
2) Ask yourself if you want to improve the marriage, and if she does
3) Buy this book and handle one chapter a night between the both of you: Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Most of the book sounds like common sense but it really hit home. I won't go into a lot of detail, but my marriage felt some pain over the past few years. Work became more demanding, more punishing, and it hit a point where it consumed almost all of my life. My wife was supportive, but I knew her needs were being temporarily neglected while I was focusing on keeping a roof over our heads (keyword temporarily). 6 months turned into a year, turned into 4 years straight of a completely unhealthy (near fatal, actually) workaholic lifestyle. My wife was still supportive but she started becoming distant. That book was recommended to us by our pastor and it made a massive positive difference. It's all about recognizing and being conscientious of the others' needs. The "recognizing" part was the most eye-opening experience. I was even wrong about my own needs in a relationship- big epiphany moment. Changing the habits up was somewhat of a struggle, but the difference has been night and day.

I strongly recommend giving it a shot.

I can only tell you from filling our thousands of Nursing assessments...if you drink 1-2 beers EVERY day and sometimes 3-4 daily, you have a drinking problem. Social drinking is considered a few drinks per week.
My question to you would be why do you feel the need to drink every day? What purpose does it serve for you? If you honestly look at it for 'why' you do it, you will realize that it is an issue.
Of course my opinion is purely that, an opinion.

CV355 said:

1) Do not have kids until the marriage situation is resolved
2) Ask yourself if you want to improve the marriage, and if she does
3) Buy this book and handle one chapter a night between the both of you: Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages

Most of the book sounds like common sense but it really hit home. I won't go into a lot of detail, but my marriage felt some pain over the past few years. Work became more demanding, more punishing, and it hit a point where it consumed almost all of my life. My wife was supportive, but I knew her needs were being temporarily neglected while I was focusing on keeping a roof over our heads (keyword temporarily). 6 months turned into a year, turned into 4 years straight of a completely unhealthy (near fatal, actually) workaholic lifestyle. My wife was still supportive but she started becoming distant. That book was recommended to us by our pastor and it made a massive positive difference. It's all about recognizing and being conscientious of the others' needs. The "recognizing" part was the most eye-opening experience. I was even wrong about my own needs in a relationship- big epiphany moment. Changing the habits up was somewhat of a struggle, but the difference has been night and day.

I strongly recommend giving it a shot.

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Great book.

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many have said now is not the right time to have kids.. i would agree.. furthermore, in 50 years, when you are old and need someone to drive you around, who is going to be there? the alcohol or your wife? in some cases not even your kids will help you..

Yup tough spot. Can't really offer any advice that hasn't already been said.

My wife and I are expecting our 1st child in early April. I see a similar fight playing out for us when our son is around 1 and she wants a 2nd and (at this point) I'm not sure if I'll want a 2nd. I just can't agree to it without finding out how it goes with the first and I'll be 36 at the time and she'll be 34 so we can't really wait too much longer.

Grabber said:

No offense taken. I appreciate your honesty.

My responses are outlined in bold below your questions.

-Chris

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Thanks for taking the time to answer.

It's good that both of you are committed to the marriage. That alone should alleviate some stress. Given the desire to stay together and work through the problems, couple and individual counseling would be a great idea.

Marriage is a lot of work, in that you have to keep your (not you personally) selfishness in check. Even when things are great, you need to protect the marriage and each other from unhealthy outside influences. Even more so when grinding through tough times. We all choose friends based on compatibility, happiness, and the support we get from the relationship. All others, we avoid. While we can't choose our family, as adults, we can choose to be around them, or not. I know you disagree with this, so maybe you can find another way to help your mother that does not require you personally.

Your wife's desire/expectation of you to help with her parents is a one way street. This is possibly due to how your mother is based on your description of her. However, it is probably not a good idea for her to be helping her parent/s either. I don't know how much time, money, and personal assistance is being given, not my business, but devoting those to things outside the marriage can be very problematic. It can cause you to limit or stop the efforts you give to each other, the health of the marriage, and personal health.

With respect to your drinking, taking action on this could be a win/win situation. You say that you don't need to drink, but you like it. Your wife doesn't like you drinking. Maybe you could find something else to like that doesn't include alcohol. This will show your wife that you respect her opinion/wishes and you might even save money.

The main question that really needs the most thought and effort is the one concerning children. Deal breakers are exactly that, absolutes. Maybe by speaking with a counselor and weighing all the pros/cons, you can better decide if this is truly a deal breaker for you.

Malern28us said:

I can only tell you from filling our thousands of Nursing assessments...if you drink 1-2 beers EVERY day and sometimes 3-4 daily, you have a drinking problem. Social drinking is considered a few drinks per week.
My question to you would be why do you feel the need to drink every day? What purpose does it serve for you? If you honestly look at it for 'why' you do it, you will realize that it is an issue.
Of course my opinion is purely that, an opinion.

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Disagree with all this. There are people that drink a 12-pack a night and are perfectly capable of functioning the following day. I don't think 1 or 2 a day is a problem. Social drinking is drinking without the intention of getting drunk, imho.

He doesn't NEED a reason beyond wanting to enjoy himself. If you're drinking for any reason other than the enjoyment, or physically need to drink, THEN you have a drinking problem.

I will say that I was drinking 1 - 2 a day for awhile, then recently, decided to quit for a month or two. I experienced what I think were some mild withdrawal symptoms. To me, that indicates I was probably drinking too much, or too often. But, everyone is different.

Relationships are complex, so I do not feel I can address the specifics.

However, as stated above (getting self therapy) I do suggest that you do this.

Step back from the specifics and think about you. One of the stress points that people do not see is how they question themselves in these sort of situations. "Am I wrong?", "What did I do?" Should I change?" So please take some time to think about you. It is okay to ask these questions BUT YOU MUST ANSWER THE QUESTIONS. Even if you are wrong about the answers you come up with, you can always adjust your thinking later as needed. Re-gain your balance. Also make a list of the positive things and people in your life, and then a list of what you fight for. Who do you protect?

This will allow you to study and then judge the other people impacting the overall issue illuminating the questions that are hounding you. The answers are there.

Find peaceful time alone and be calm during your self review.

Hope this helps!

E

PS People can be selfish. If they are, identify them as such. And don't be like them.