Tips for dealing with social anxiety

I am only trying to be informative and letting people know this is a lifelong and sometimes daily issue. I am not talking about being nervious or sad, There are many triggers that can cause embedded memories of extremely stressful experiences to surface along with the associated physical reactions. They don't just bubble up they arrive like a geyser. so many people practice avoidence. Being in close contact with other veterans with similar experiences can also be a strong trigger, you understand their discomfort and anxiety but it can quickly pull you right back into a stressed condition and the predictable outcome, you are back on someones shitlist. It's like Groundhog Day.

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TBCobra said:

Anxiety, depression etc will probably be something we never understand, at least I won't.

Everyone gets nervous or sad from time to time but getting to the point of letting yourself go to where you completely break down...it's just something I don't understand. Not a jab at anyone, just wish it was easier to understand.

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I don't take it as a jab and completely understand where you're coming from. It's exactly the way I felt last year.

I broke after my best friend was killed in October. I honestly thought I'd gone crazy. I knew I was having irrational thoughts and saying inappropriate things but couldn't get a handle on them. I almost lost my wife. I had to take time off of work because my behavior was causing problems and I couldn't control myself. Suicide suddenly becomes an option. Maybe not a viable one, but your brain adds it to the list of ways to dig yourself out of the situation. Even for someone like myself who has never contemplated it and has no history of mental health issues.

_Snake_ said:

I don't take it as a jab and completely understand where you're coming from. It's exactly the way I felt last year.

I broke after my best friend was killed in October. I honestly thought I'd gone crazy. I knew I was having irrational thoughts and saying inappropriate things but couldn't get a handle on them. I almost lost my wife. I had to take time off of work because my behavior was causing problems and I couldn't control myself. Suicide suddenly becomes an option. Maybe not a viable one, but your brain adds it to the list of ways to dig yourself out of the situation. Even for someone like myself who has never contemplated it and has no history of mental health issues.

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First off, sorry to hear about your friend.

I can understand your position, shitty things happen and lead to shitty thoughts.

What I still can't quite grasp, and I know this is going to be the cliche thing to say, how people who have had a great life and still find a way to be depressed.

My sisters a great example, grew up a normal kid, middle class, great schooling, friends, very smart, has both parents etc etc etc yet suddenly I hear how she has anxiety, depression and is an alcoholic. I never would have guessed any of these things would affect her, ever. I just can't understand how people can have it so good yet only see the bad things in life.

Again, sorry to hear about your friend. Glad you're doing alright though.

TBCobra said:

First off, sorry to hear about your friend.

I can understand your position, shitty things happen and lead to shitty thoughts.

What I still can't quite grasp, and I know this is going to be the cliche thing to say, how people who have had a great life and still find a way to be depressed.

My sisters a great example, grew up a normal kid, middle class, great schooling, friends, very smart, has both parents etc etc etc yet suddenly I hear how she has anxiety, depression and is an alcoholic. I never would have guessed any of these things would affect her, ever. I just can't understand how people can have it so good yet only see the bad things in life.

Again, sorry to hear about your friend. Glad you're doing alright though.

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Thanks man. There were times when I wasn't sure I was going to get better.

To answer your question about "how," there are a lot of variables. For some folks it's genetic and just how they're wired. For a lot of others, myself included, it's a cumulative effect. If you don't cope with or process bad experiences in a healthy way (keeping everything in for example), they can add up to the point where a single event becomes the proverbial straw the breaks the person. Or if the person never gets to the breaking point, they still have all that baggage that they're trying to process and it affects their ability to deal with things as they happen (this might describe your sister).


Edited to add (and directed at everyone)

To me, it's not a coincidence that the church I attend began a three week series on anxiety and depression this past Sunday. This is a great message (and entertaining) if you can set aside an hour.

Everything is Fine - Media - Bayside Community Church

I can relate to him 100%. I have been like this for at least 40 years. I'm sorry to say that my kids lost out because of it. Even now, I can't wait to get home. If you don't suffer from it, it's impossible for you to understand it. I've been taking medication for over 20 years now. Even with that, I barely function some times. I have no real friends, just acquaintances. You'd be surprised at just how many people suffer in silence.

GM Nitemare said:

I can relate to him 100%. I have been like this for at least 40 years. I'm sorry to say that my kids lost out because of it. Even now, I can't wait to get home. If you don't suffer from it, it's impossible for you to understand it. I've been taking medication for over 20 years now. Even with that, I barely function some times. I have no real friends, just acquaintances. You'd be surprised at just how many people suffer in silence.

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I had a real hard time when I was in school, had so much anxiety and could not relate to people. Still have this to this day, when we have things with the kids to do and it involves other parents people ask what I do for a living I tell them a mechanic and then get the oh ok and then we get the cold shoulder as they hang out with other like folks. I have drifted away from any friends I have had and I really only have my wife kids and parents in this world.

Just smoke some weed. My “friend” does it

99arboC said:

Just smoke some weed. My “friend” does it

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Yeah, but I hate weed. Not my flavor at all.

smoke a big fat joint. that will calm your shit down real quick =P

Unfortunately self medicating with alcohol, weed, the list goes on, while providing temporary relief only contributes to increasing your depression and severe anxiety when you are wearing handcuffs and standing in front of a judge while trying to think of a way to obtain several thousand dollars to pay a lawyer with the faint hope of staying out of jail. Sometimes this realization will provide the motivation for you to take a serious look at genuine long term therapy. Or you can repeat the process. Unfortunately many find the therapy ineffective or to painful and continue their downward spiral. One aspect is that you have to seperate yourself from the group of people you have been relying on for support, (the wrong kind) and attempt to rekindle positive friendships and hopefully make new ones. However the your prolonged bridge burning practice makes this very difficult. It's a complicated, lonely life.
I know this is very negative and I think recomending drug use was probably not offered as a solution but just an attempt to soften the discussion.
The loss of a close relative or a good friend is something that we generaly learn to accept and will heal with time. On the other hand the pain our returning veterans are dealing with will last a lifetime, with help and understanding that can be a long time.

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TBCobra said:

What I still can't quite grasp, and I know this is going to be the cliche thing to say, how people who have had a great life and still find a way to be depressed.

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The best way I can explain it is to ask if you have you ever been sick, perhaps with the flu, where it's really, really bad? Now, imagine that, but it's only in your head/thoughts. Last year, I had a bad streak of depression that lasted about 2-3 weeks. Maybe it's different for other people, but it felt just like a sickness. During this sickness I had thoughts of taking a long solo road trip, taking the kids and leaving my wife, quitting my job suddenly, and even suicide was something I thought about on a daily basis. After a few weeks I was back to my normal anxiety

A few months later I told my friend at work about it and said I'd come to him if I ever felt that way again. A few months after that, I told my wife about it. It can be an embarrassing topic because you're afraid people will look at you differently.

Crimson2v said:

I had a real hard time when I was in school, had so much anxiety and could not relate to people. Still have this to this day, when we have things with the kids to do and it involves other parents people ask what I do for a living I tell them a mechanic and then get the oh ok and then we get the cold shoulder as they hang out with other like folks. I have drifted away from any friends I have had and I really only have my wife kids and parents in this world.

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At least you have a SO. I've been single for 7 years; not even a date during that time. I can't just "go get some strange" because it's not in my DNA to do that. I've never done it in my entire life. Add to that I have no friends near where I live, and things get pretty bleak sometimes.

Coiled03 said:

At least you have a SO. I've been single for 7 years; not even a date during that time. I can't just "go get some strange" because it's not in my DNA to do that. I've never done it in my entire life. Add to that I have no friends near where I live, and things get pretty bleak sometimes.

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Damn man. I feel you for sure. It gets rough at times. My kids help me through a good bit. They dont even know that they are doing it either.
Still have days where I go to work, go home, keep the lights off, blinds drawn, and just watch random movies. I go out when I have to, but that isnt all too often.

For all of you who just say: smoke a joint or get drunk. You haven't the faintest ****ing idea what you're talking about. I would love for some of you morons to, as they say "walk a mile in my shoes".

DougNuts said:

The best way I can explain it is to ask if you have you ever been sick, perhaps with the flu, where it's really, really bad? Now, imagine that, but it's only in your head/thoughts. Last year, I had a bad streak of depression that lasted about 2-3 weeks. Maybe it's different for other people, but it felt just like a sickness. During this sickness I had thoughts of taking a long solo road trip, taking the kids and leaving my wife, quitting my job suddenly, and even suicide was something I thought about on a daily basis. After a few weeks I was back to my normal anxiety

A few months later I told my friend at work about it and said I'd come to him if I ever felt that way again. A few months after that, I told my wife about it. It can be an embarrassing topic because you're afraid people will look at you differently.

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That actually makes a lot of sense.

What, if anything, helps make those thoughts go away? Have you had those thoughts recently or do you think you're over them completely?

When you feel that "sickness" coming on does anything help suppress it or do you just have to fight through it?

My wife deals with it as well as her brother. I try to be understanding but I simply don't understand and I understand that. So I'm sure I can come off as being insensitive at times. I hate people in general but I give two shits what anyone thinks about me in any aspect. She tried meds "when needed" which only put her on a roller coaster. I told she needed something mild daily and she found something that works for her. I think meds can help but not that total answer. Dealing with your past and a little understanding of the current social environment will also help. But then again, I don't understand so that could be garbage recommendations.

mysticsvt said:

My wife deals with it as well as her brother. I try to be understanding but I simply don't understand and I understand that. So I'm sure I can come off as being insensitive at times. I hate people in general but I give two shits what anyone thinks about me in any aspect. She tried meds "when needed" which only put her on a roller coaster. I told she needed something mild daily and she found something that works for her. I think meds can help but not that total answer. Dealing with your past and a little understanding of the current social environment will also help. But then again, I don't understand so that could be garbage recommendations.

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Dealing with your past is a HUGE part of the equation.

TBCobra said:

That actually makes a lot of sense.

What, if anything, helps make those thoughts go away? Have you had those thoughts recently or do you think you're over them completely?

When you feel that "sickness" coming on does anything help suppress it or do you just have to fight through it?

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I can only speak for myself - this episode was something I hadn't felt in 25+ years, not a permanent fixture in my psyche like a lot of people deal with. Root causes were that I had some very good things that happened in my life coupled with 3 successive deaths in my wife's family, a stressful job, and a project car that had me stressed. Highest of highs, lowest of lows kind of deal. It hit me one day, I don't think it was something I felt coming on, so to speak. I got better slowly, staying busy and having some projects come to completion.

I do suffer daily from above average anxiety, although not as bad as some extreme cases. I've found that caffeine and alcohol affects my anxiety a lot, so a lot may be self induced.

Can relate to all of this...especially the "back-packing" and self-medicating part. Will save everyone the long story BUT after 20+ years, taking a break from booze has helped tremendously. Small dose of meds my Dr prescribed actually seems to be working, feel genuinely happy, don't get wigged out as much as I used to before going to a social events (kids, school, sports, scouts, family shit etc) which are impossible to avoid now kids are older. Plus taking the booze money and saving it for my new edge!