Found my father and dont know what to do.

[trplblacksnake]

Well Im kinda mixed up about the entire thing. My wife being the loving person she is read an email about a little girl that didnt have a father on fathers day and it really touched her. She then went out of her way and did ALOT of research and tracked down my father who Ive never met. Ive talked to him a few times on the phone and saw him once (but didnt know who he was at the time). Well when I was younger I tried to get together with him a few times and something always came up. I was 12 and just wanted to spend a few hours with him. Now my wife got his phone number and called him today. He said that two people near him just died and this really isnt a good time. Im just wondering if I should pursue this or if Im just spinning my tires on something that will never be. I would give anything just to spend a day with him and have a few beers but Im just really mixed up. I trust you guys and gals on here to give me your honest input. Any statments would be helpful.

 

[STAMPEDE3]

Did you tell him this?

Quote: I would give anything just to spend a day with him and have a few beers.

Keep trying if that is truly what you want to do.
He will come around. JMO

 

[philip]

Its nice that you want to meet him......On the other hand, if i ever meet my father, he will be in a hospital soon afterwards :fm: :mj:

 

[BullittSleuth]

My dad was adopted and met his father once when my dad was about 23 or so. I've asked my dad about it and from my guess it wasn't much of an event for him. At the same time I don't think he regrets it.

I guess I'm just trying to say that you shouldn't get your hopes up about what he'll be like? You might want to be open to the idea that he's not worth a beer , then again it might be worth it.

Guess I didn't help too much...sorry!

 

[Great8]

I guess I'm just trying to say that you shouldn't get your hopes up about what he'll be like? You might want to be open to the idea that he's not worth a beer, then again it might be worth it.

Exactly.

I feel for you. Whether if two people near him died or not, you're his flesh and blood. It sounds like an excuse to me. You're not asking to spend an entire week with him, you just want to see him.

Don't listen too much to what we have to say, just follow your heart. But above all, BE CAUTIOUS. Don't put yourself out there too much. I hope it works out for you.

 

[SVTclutch]

Did you tell him this?

Quote: I would give anything just to spend a day with him and have a few beers.

Keep trying if that is truly what you want to do.
He will come around. JMO

You call him and tell him that. How can he deny that...

 

[Mr. Mach-ete]

Being a father myself my children are always welcome in my house no matter the event. I always desire to see my children and look forward when they come to see me.

If any of my children called me to them, need my help for any reason, I would be there for them. With that being said and reading your past history with your father, I would say open up your home to him and see what happens. If he replies...good for you. If he doesn't don't push the issue. God bless and good luck!

 

[SVT4ME]

I'd take his arse to court and get all that back child support back. The dude is a bum and doesn't care about anybody but himself. I've raised my step-son for the last 10 years because he dad doesnt pay and hasnt seen him in 12 years. Oh he's 13, sorry to be such a %ick but am just venting

 

[OZ Dude]

I helped raise my godson for the first 4 years of his life before he and his mother moved away. Couldn't ask for a better little bloke. His "father" stood in front of a crowd of people when his mom was pregnant and declared that she slept around (total lie) and that there was no way the baby was his (hmmm - immaculace conception maybe).

The boy's biological father (had to have his a$$ dragged to court on a paternity suit for DNA) went to prison (what a guy) and then decided he wanted to get into the "daddy" groove (mainly cause he was quickly becoming someone's b!tch) which confused the whole thing because she was still hung up on him despite how he treated her - that's why she ended up moving away - fresh start.

Anyway, she eventually married someone else when the boy was 6 but by then she had told the boy about his "dad" and he built up a very high opinion of him and that when they finally got to meet, everything would be perfect and complete.

He finally got out, saw the boy a couple of times, made more excuses than the govt why he wasn't around and basically palmed the boy off so he could be with his new 18yo girlfriend.

To the present - the boy is now 12 and in unbelievable amounts of trouble. Temporarily living with his grandparents because he was so far out of control with everything imaginable - special schooling 40 miles from home, last chance on everything because he spent so much time wishing for this idiot to be "super dad" which was just never gonna happen. His mom has given him a good upbringing and while his stepdad isn't the greatest guy in the world, he's not neglectful either. The boy just spiralled because he spent all his spare time "waiting for my dad".

In my opinion, the people who we call mom and dad are the ones who raise us, love us and care for us. They could be grandparents, uncles, aunts, or adopted - it doesn't matter. I had lost all of my family (sisters included) by the time I hit 21. I met my wife 9 years ago and have since gained a new mom and dad that I love dearly as well as a sister I treasure and the brother I always wanted. They're not biological relatives - they're my family.

Dude, you've given your father several opportunities. If you still really want to pursue it that bad, I'd write him a letter, tell him how much it still means for you to get to know each other and include your number and address with an open invitation to visit.

His turn to show you why he's worthy...

 

[OZ Dude]

I'd take his arse to court and get all that back child support back. The dude is a bum and doesn't care about anybody but himself. I've raised my step-son for the last 10 years because he dad doesnt pay and hasnt seen him in 12 years. Oh he's 13, sorry to be such a %ick but am just venting

You're the sort of person that can truly be called a man! Seriously, your "stepson" is more "son" than enything else and you're his dad. Rock on brother and enjoy every minute with the young bloke because you have made his life :rockon:

His biological father was a sperm donor that unfortunately had to deposit in person... Vent and forget, he's not worth your thoughts.

 

[T-Bolt]

I totally agree with OZ Dude if you were a kid, but since you have already been raised, I feel it's time for you to go meet the guy.

 

[Captain Steve]

It sounds like you're a bit confused and emotional. I think you're looking for us to help you clarify your thinking, so here's some thoughts from me, since I'm totally objective.

Here's what I think I know about you from your post.

You're married. You're over 21. You've never been formally introduced to your dad, but have spoken to him on the phone a couple of times.

When you were twelve, you tried to get together but "something always came up".
You would "give anything just to spend a day with him and have a few beers".

Ok, the other information available is that you contacted your dad to get in touch, and were told it was "blah blah .. isn't really a good time".


Here's my list of things you should be asking yourself. Yes-no questions.

Do I want to meet my dad?
Does my dad want to meet me?

Those two questions are what are boiling inside right now. Here's my spin on what'll happen, depending on how you answer them.

yes, yes : You get together and meet your dad. You're either glad, lukewarm, or sad about it.

yes, no : You either don't meet your dad and are sad about it, or you go stalker on him and track him down and confront him. I rate your chances of anything but sad ending to this as low. You might confront him and have a made-for-tv moment where everything is suddenly ok.. but probably not.

no, yes : You decided your dad was a deadbeat but he goes stalker on you after all these years. This is probably the least likely scenario.. he hasn't been there all your life, probably won't change now. Outcome is most likely sad, barring the miracles.

no, no : You put it behind you. Outcome.. sad for awhile, then lukewarm. You vow to be there for your kids and become a better father.

All in all, I see 4 sads, 2 miracle happy endings, two lukewarm reactions, and one happy.


This ends your free advise. Remember, you get what you pay for.

 

[Iamchris]

Sure. Give it a little while and give him another call. Tell him you would be interested in getting together. Inform him that it does not need to be a commitment to a future relationship, but only a single encounter for mutual benefit. You can both go from there.

Ofcourse that also depends on the type of person he is, and the condition of your separation.
My biological father left my mother when he learned she was pregnant. I thought my step father was my biological father until I was around 12y/o and was informed during an argument between my parents.
Anyway... about 5 years later I was in a JC Penny and came across a guy arguing with a lady at the counter. He was going off and cursing her out. A real jack ass.
As I was leaving with my mother I commented, and loud enough for him to hear,"What a real jack ass". As we walked out the door my mother informed me that he was my biological father.
I have no desire to meet the guy. I have some questions I would like answered... family health history, family lineage, family ethnicity... but I don't really want to deal with him.

Only you know what is best for you.

 

[ampstang]

I've hadn't ever met my biological parents until about a month ago. I didn't know anything about them. I expected them to be trailer-trash felons or something. It turned out they weren't and were really cool people. The mystery was solved for me. I say, go for it, expect the worst, and you'll be sure to get better than you expect. That's what I did.

 

[sLOWDOHC]

I havent seen my real dad in a good 16-17 years, before then it was a good 5 and before then I was just months old when my mom left him. I really could care less if I ever meet him again. Unfortunatly his brothers are the same way. My Grandfather was a great guy, but lived some 1500 miles away. When he passes he left each of us (grand kids) some money cause the dads were never around. I spent a summer or two with him, and that pretty much showed me why my mom left him.

When I was 10, my mom married the guy I call Dad. With him, I didnt need anyone else. They have since devored, he remarried and has a kid. Me having a son now also, its like old times when we get together. He was always there for me, did what a dad was supposed to do.

So here I am...24 with a 7mo old boy and a 10yr old stepson (not married, but might as well be). His dad is a complete POS, been locked up a few times, in the past months. Never makes an attempt to care for him. Wont even get him a haircut the one time every few months he makes a half assed attempt to see him; and even then its mostly AJs doing to get in contact with him. He really looks up to me, so I do what I can to be there for him as much as possible. I know exactly what its like to be in his shoes. Its hard being a hair older than 24, but Im trying...

After my long story, I say make an attempt, and leave the door open. See what happens and keep an open mind like most said.

 

[CATMACH]

He may just be a bit apprehensive to meet you, perhaps because he has not been in you life for so long and it is akward for him. I think my Dad had this problem at times. I would give the guy a chance and not give up too easily.

 

[Vancouver83LTD]

I'd say keep pushing until he finally agrees. call him once or twice a month. if he makes up an excuse, ask him when he's free. Be open to his schedule. tell him that you just want to get to know your father
i may only be 17, but that's just what I'd do. good luck man. either way, nothing worse can come out of it, IMO
if you don't you'll have those what ifs for the rest of your life

 

[theDRIVER]

if what your dad said is true,about the people that passed away, than give him some time. but if not than he could be nervous too, probably delaying to see you. maybe doesn't know what to say or do when the time comes to meet up? you also made sure he's your 100 percent real dad?....

 

[skippy32]

my dad left when i was six.i'm now 32 and he passed away last year.i saw him twice in the past 26 yrs. and talked maybe ten times.if it wasn't for my grandparents i wouldn't be where i am today.wife and 14 month old daughter.my mom did the very best to make up for him with love but she couldn't be their all the time because of work so she could support me.my father got away with $40 a month child support.still couldn't pay that.i consider my grandfather my dad.did all the things my father should have done.baseball,football,fishing,driving,and most important how to become a responseable man.the only thing my dad has taught me is that no matter what i will NEVER leave my little girl even if things fall apart with my wife.i helped to bring her in to this world and i will be thier to guide her through it.sorry for the rant but your dad dosen't seem intrested if you made it this far and you seem like your doing ok let him make the move.you tried thats more than he has.
p.s.
the bounus of my dad passing is i finally got to know my half brother.i'm meeting him next week for the first time.

 

[bbp42d]

met my dad 8 yrs ago. to much time had passed for him to be a dad. funny thing is, a FHP was a neighbor of mine back when we lived on the st.jhons river. he kew him and went to the school where they train to become a fla highway patrol. he found him,got his #, and i called him. freaky i will tell you. but i wanted him to know he had 2 grandsons(now 3) and i wanted my boys to see him. it was cool going to miami to see him for the 1st time in my life.but we are now just like buddies. i also found out i had 2 half sisters as well


remember there are 2 sides to every story, i just put all the b/s aside and went on with life.