A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
because I still have mine"
*****************************************
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week, "That's
very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try
to send her a few bucks myself."
******************************************
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids."
******************************************
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
********************************
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
*******************************
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
________________________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
________________________________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for
chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in
water. And then you dump the stock.
________________________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the
best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
buying me a drink."
****************************************
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
________________________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
_____________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
________________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
because I still have mine"
*****************************************
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week, "That's
very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try
to send her a few bucks myself."
******************************************
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids."
******************************************
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
********************************
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
*******************************
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
________________________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
________________________________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for
chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in
water. And then you dump the stock.
________________________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the
best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
buying me a drink."
****************************************
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
________________________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
_____________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
________________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards
