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Married Life - What would you do - Advice

Discussion in 'Road Side Pub' started by Grabber, Jan 28, 2019.

  1. Grabber

    Grabber Yep... Established Member

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    Good afternoon SVTP,

    For those affected by the recent snow and extreme cold, be safe out there.

    Not really totally comfortable posting this, since I keep my married life extremely private.

    But, I'd like to see what others think, as I've already come to certain conclusions in my mind.

    Been with my wife for a total of 16 years. Met in High School, dated for roughly 10 years, then got married in 2013 and are going on our 6th year of marriage.

    Here are a few of the problems I'm dealing with.

    She wants nothing to do with my family, in particular, my mother. I understand this, but, it's hard on me dealing with taking care of my Mother alone, but, also helping her parents whenever.

    We never wanted children when we were in our 20's. Now in our 30's, I really want kids. We had many talks over the years, and a huge talk a few weeks ago where I broke down. She doesn't know if she wants kids. The part that gets me, is, I know how she is with kids. Whenever she holds a child, or plays with a slightly older child, her face is emotionless and she refers to them as "it" which drives me nuts; she came back one day after this whole thing and said she is changing her mind and came to certain realizations. I don't believe a person can change their whole being on something that quickly.

    Next, comes the drinking. I drink a few times a week for the past several years, and have cut down. She always tells me after a few drinks with friends, to slow it down, I drink too much, etc. The past say, six months, I drink only on the weekends. Some days, I drink 1-2 beers, some I drink 3-4. Whenever I have more than two drinks, she asks me questions on why I need more. Finally, a few days ago, I have half a beer on Friday after a 12-hour day, and dump it. Saturday, due to the weather, was a stay at home day. I had a total of 5 beers. Each time after my second beer where I went to grab another one, she questioned me and gave me all sorts of looks. Over time, she has gotten more involved with how much I drink, how much I spend on liquor, etc. Now, again, after a long talk, she's taking it all back.

    My issue is, I don't need it, but, she feels like I shouldn't drink, because she doens't drink.

    I've really been internalizing a lot, this has bothered me, because I always feel guilty after I drink and she talks to me about it. I now hate the fact that she did it again and I went ahead and dumped a few hundred bucks worth of beer, plus I still have another $500-$1,000 in beer/bourbon left. I really lost all desire.

    For years, I've wanted kids and she told me flat out she thought I was joking and wasn't serious, because of what we talked about in our 20's.

    I think she is hanging on too tight and now she is apologizing, saying she will never do it again and I can do what I want, she doesn't want me to leave, etc.

    Is this fair to either of us? Are we setting ourselves up for failure if we plan to raise a kid and I give her a chance that she will even want kids soon?

    There are a lot of details I have not mentioned, so, if you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer.

    One request - Please keep the joking, request for pics and what not out of here. I'm looking for honest opinions and don't need the jokes and what not.

    Thank you
    -Chris
     
    PhoenixM3 likes this.
  2. CompOrange04GT

    CompOrange04GT I like Wood, and not Oak in my butt Established Member

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    A woman that gets mad cause you had a couple beers?

    Unless you’re beating her and or getting irate then wtf

    Sounds like she wants to control you
     
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  3. 13COBRA

    13COBRA Resident Ford Dealer Premium Member Established Member

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    What you say in your 20s shouldn't be held as marshal law for the rest of your life.

    With that being said, if you guys had both talked about not having kids before you got married, and you were both in agreement pre-wedding...then it's tough to tell her now that you changed your mind and she should as well. Instead of just talking about having one or not...tell her the reasons you want one. Explain to her the things that you want from that type of relationship.

    Another thing, ask yourself, do you think she would be a good mother to a child of yours? Would she raise it and treat it as you'd want her to? I know that's kinda a hard question to answer, as ALL women change once they have a child...but having a child doesn't make things easier, it makes things harder. So you have to be pretty set and know that you'll take the good with the bad, and that's that.

    As far as the drinking goes... you're an adult, over the age of 21, you're not consuming in excess, she can pound sand. Just because she doesn't drink, doesn't mean you can't. Just as, just because you want a kid now, doesn't mean she has to want that too. It goes both ways.

    As long as you're not drinking in excess, or you don't get physically/emotionally abusive while you're drinking, then it shouldn't be a big deal.


    Coming from a guy that just finished with a divorce not too long ago, if you love her, and think you guys can come to terms and both of you be happy, that's what you should do.

    It's easy for me to sit here and read everything from your point of view and agree with your thought process. Before passing final judgement, I'd want to know;

    1. what her reasoning for not wanting to help you with your mother is,
    2. why she doesn't want to have a child
    3. why she thinks she has the right to control your drinking, and
    4. if her apology is sincere, or if she's just trying to save your marriage and her agreeing with you is the only solution in her head.
     
  4. TERMN8U

    TERMN8U Well-Known Member Established Member

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    Hey Chris,
    Sorry to hear of your struggle.
    The following is all my opinion. For what it’s worth.
    It sounds like you guys could be if it from some counseling. If you go that route, find one that is recommended by someone that you know. They are not all equal.
    Marriage is not always easy. As people we grow at different rates, have individual experiences, different stresses etc. I think we can all feel unappreciated or even unloved at times. One thing that changed my life was to wake up every day and the moment I open my eyes, I pray “ thank you God for “ and then I go through and list individually every one of my family members and think of them in a way that I feel the appreciation for them.
    It sounds like it would take long but it doesn’t. All of my relationships improved drastically after doing this daily.
    If you think long term like when your 80 years old, how comforting it will be to have had a partner your whole life, I think you will see the value in it.
    My brother had a friend that had been through 3 marriages and still wasn’t happy.. he said “ they are all the same just different people”.
    Thase are my thoughts. Hope they make sense.
     
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  5. TERMN8U

    TERMN8U Well-Known Member Established Member

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    Ps. Send pics.





    Lmao. Jk. Good luck.
     
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  6. PC03GT

    PC03GT Well-Known Member Established Member

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    Marriage is a partnership. If there isn't any compromise on both ends then wtf is the point of being married. It's ****ed up she doesn't help out with your mom and bust your balls over a few beers. Having kids is the most selfless thing you can do, maybe she's just not the person you thought.
     
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  7. Grabber

    Grabber Yep... Established Member

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    Mr. Nick - First off, I am sorry for your divorce man. Especially since you have children involved.

    So, there is a lot I can say.

    She would be a good mom in the sense that she is robotic, very intelligent and would teach the child to be smart. As far as loving one, she cannot stand anyone else's kids, but, I love them, unless it is an annoying child at a store that is creating chaos. She would be a good mom that sense, but, she even told me, I'd be the loving/compassionate one out of the two. That scares me a bit.

    My mother is a psychopath. She has even driven me to the point where I've wanted to end my life in recent years. She is sick (physically) and there is a lot of baggage that has been carried over from the time I dated my wife until now. My mom tried driving a wedge and wanted to be the only woman in my life. I fought that. I sacrificed taking care of my mother for the safety of my marriage and now my Mother is in her final years and my wife still wants nothing to do with her.

    She has stated she is worried about my health because drinking is bad for you. I know this, but, I don't drink in excess. I am not violent or angry at all when I drink, kind of the opposite. I am very loving, friendly and calm when I drink. Plus, I drink to enjoy, not out of necessity.

    She has told me flat out, she does NOT want responsibility of having to take care of another person, by cooking for them, cleaning for them, shopping, teaching them, etc. It scares her, but, also, she does not want it.

    Again, every time we've had a huge major conversation where we spend hours and hours talking and crying, she changes her mind completely the next day and says she will work on it and "everything will be OK"

    I know she loves me, and doesn't want to lose me. I think with the current resentment of what I have now and her wanting time to make a choice if she wants a family with me is a big risk. I am a child of divorced parents (during high school) and frankly, it ruined me. I don't want the kids to be the only reason we stay together if we start to resent each other, and right now, it is looking that way.

    She does a lot. She cooks, does the shopping, gives me advice, etc. I pay the majority of the bills, watch what I spend, have "rules" if you will about what I buy, how much I spend on alcohol (we do have a bit of debt, but, nothing that is putting is in a situation where every dollar counts, and I am grateful for that). I do the grunt work of the house, keep my family away from her, certain friends that she doesn't like, etc.

    We've broken up a few times in the 10 years of dating. There were points where she stopped having sex with me all together, and we've gone nearly two years without sex, she gained weight, etc. Every time, I chased her down, because she convinced me she'd accept me (I was angry and mean in my 20's and had a hard time dealing with my emotions) and I've never once, asked her to change anything, accept to just work with me. She's done that a bit, but, the kid thing is a huge issue for me and the drinking thing that has led me to start resenting her and how both things are affecting my mental state are very hard to deal with.

    I can write pages worth of things, but, I won't just yet.
    -Chris
     
  8. _Snake_

    _Snake_ Well-Known Member Established Member

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    Simply....

    At least for now, don’t even think about adding a kid to this situation. It will make things worse, not better.

    Second, go see a marriage counselor.
     
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  9. 98slowbra

    98slowbra Well-Known Member Established Member

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    Sounds like she wants to control you and be in control, I have been through this and it happened to me for 9 years, I have been married for 26 years and after last year I put a stop to all that shit, most women once they get married they want full control over everything, not all but most will. Why do you think the saying goes happy wife happy life? cause they can be cruel and mean as can be.
     
  10. ur bittn

    ur bittn By the snake Premium Member Established Member

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    They always want to change you, mold you into the perfect husband. Don’t give in!
     
  11. Mpoitrast87

    Mpoitrast87 Well-Known Member Established Member

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    I think almost anything can be compromised in a marriage except kids. That is a huge deal and if she seems like she doesnt want kids then forcing her into it will just break up the marriage IMO.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
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  12. Revvv

    Revvv Infinity Poster Established Member

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    If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. You would be one of several that I have spoken with, and currently talking to in regard to marital struggles.

    Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk
     
  13. 13COBRA

    13COBRA Resident Ford Dealer Premium Member Established Member

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    I think marital counseling would help a lot in your situation.

    Neither of you want to leave each other, but in order to stay together and be happy you guys need to understand each other better.

    By you guys having long discussions, and following that with her telling you she will change...that's not an understanding of her views or yours, that's her understanding that both views need to be the same in order to end that fight/argument.
     
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  14. MG0h3

    MG0h3 Well-Known Member Established Member

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    Tough spot OP.

    The kid thing is the bigger hurdle here. Sometimes people change over the course of their lives. You aren't wrong for wanting children now. Guess you have to decide if you want to sacrifice that to stay with her. Could cause some serious regrets and resentment down the road though...

    Regarding the drinking...try and solve it the adult way by talking. If she still wants to rag on you, notify her that you wont drink around her anymore. "See ya when I get home..."

    Sent from my SM-G950U using the svtperformance.com mobile app
     
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  15. My94GT

    My94GT Well-Known Member Established Member

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    I’d seek out counseling first, a nice unbiased opinion may really help clear the air.
     
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  16. 13COBRA

    13COBRA Resident Ford Dealer Premium Member Established Member

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    The absolute hardest thing about any relationship is for Person A to explain their thought process to Person B in a way that Person B interprets it EXACTLY how Person A means it, and vice versa.
     
  17. Grabber

    Grabber Yep... Established Member

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    Thanks for the feedback guys.

    There are in fact a lot of moving parts.

    Kids, the drinking, the fact that over the years I've completely disregarded my family and most of my friends and changed who I am to keep her in my life. Now, when I want to be a little selfish and have kids (I'm almost 35 and she is as well) it won't get any easier.

    I have thought about counseling, but, she already refuses to go to Therapy to talk about her work problems. I've been her support in that respect, but, she still refuses to fully open up to me. This is another problem.

    I don't think she will change her mind about kids and I am scared that if I do what she asks, and take a chance, that we will both regret it. She does not want to leave me and I think will do these things just to keep me in her life, which isn't fair for ether of us, especially any children being in the mix.
     
  18. fangstang

    fangstang Well-Known Member Established Member

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    Think about this, she doesnt like you MOTHER, she complains about a FEW drinks, and does NOT want CHILDREN. Hate to say it, but you dump her and dump her fast. You'll be miserable for the rest of your life if you dont.
     
  19. RDJ

    RDJ ZERO shits given Established Member

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    Not all women are cut out to me mothers. just like not all men are cut out to be dads. if your description is accurate she is not cut out to be a mom and if you really want kids get out now, or adjust your expectations and take some solace in your nieces and nephews. She will not make a good mom, she cannot "teach your child to be smart", children cannot be "taught to be smart". you have a choice to make, stay with her and have no kids, leave her find someone who wants to have kids and have a few and those are your only choices. there is not "well if you have one you will see you can love one" it doesn't work that way.

    as far as your mom goes, you have zero obligations to her folks, she has zero obligations to yours. your mom set the stage for their relationship early on, and you are now dealing with the consequences, in this respect be glad you don't have kids because the kids will be affected by their relationship and not in a good way.

    you set the stage for her attitude toward your drinking early on and now she is wary of your "cutting down" can't blame her for that at all.

    Frankly my advice based on your two lengthy posts is to get out while you can and before you even accidentally get her preggers and then have to deal with kids and subject them to the unhappiness that will result.
     
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  20. RDJ

    RDJ ZERO shits given Established Member

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    I would tend to disagree with this. the hardest thing about any relationship is for person A to realize that it is not working and pack it in instead of continuing to beat their head against the brick wall that is person B.
     
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