Married Life - What would you do - Advice

[xblitzkriegx]

Leave her before you have kids. She's not going to change. If you somehow miracle a kid out of her, it's only going to get worse. She's not a terrible person, she's just not for you.

If you decide to stay and successfully bury your desire for kids, you need to figure out why the hell you drink so often and deal with that. Nothing wrong with a beer or two but she wasn't wrong for chastising you when it went further.

You are to be commended for cutting down on your own, good job. Nothing wrong with a beer occasionally but daily raises flags, even if its "only" 2-3. Think about why you have to drink them and then think about what would happen if you didn't drink them. Understand that I don't think beer is the devil, just understand why you need to drink. Perhaps leaving her would curtail your drinking.

 

[jaxbusa]

The drinking thing might be her trying to control your weight. Does she work?


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[Malern28us]

Disagree with all this. There are people that drink a 12-pack a night and are perfectly capable of functioning the following day. I don't think 1 or 2 a day is a problem. Social drinking is drinking without the intention of getting drunk, imho.

He doesn't NEED a reason beyond wanting to enjoy himself. If you're drinking for any reason other than the enjoyment, or physically need to drink, THEN you have a drinking problem.

I will say that I was drinking 1 - 2 a day for awhile, then recently, decided to quit for a month or two. I experienced what I think were some mild withdrawal symptoms. To me, that indicates I was probably drinking too much, or too often. But, everyone is different.

Clinically, you are incorrect.
Don't believe me? Next time you are admitted to the hospital tell them about your drinking habits. You will then be queried with an entire additional battery of questions. A drinking habit is addressed exactly as a smoking habit.
hab·it /ˈhabət/ noun 1. a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up. "we stayed together out of habit" synonymsractice, custom, pattern, routine, style, convention, policy, wont, way, manner, mode, norm, tradition, matter of course, rule, usage; More

 

[Malern28us]

The fact that you experienced withdrawl symptoms only reinforces my point.
I am just saying that the drinking may be a compensatory mechanism. If he is that miserable, move on. Do not have kids with this woman.

 

[IronSnake]

Think about this, she doesnt like you MOTHER, she complains about a FEW drinks, and does NOT want CHILDREN. Hate to say it, but you dump her and dump her fast. You'll be miserable for the rest of your life if you dont.

Sorry OP and fangstang- I'd hate his mother too if I was a card carrying member of the fairer sex.

It's just a wife being protective, and I can respect that. No one said she has to love your mother faithfully till the end OP. She just has to love you. I had to open my eyes to realize that my wife had a unique perspective. She picked me up when people put me down. Saved me from bad decisions when my parents were throwing "Divorce" around. Was my shoulder to cry on when the world was coming unglued because of family/friends. As she picked up the pieces, she developed opinions about people, and distanced herself/me from them to protect me. They may be family, but if they are hard on you, it's hard for the woman who loves you to support you being engaged with them all the time.

As for the drinking, welcome to my world. My guess is she doesn't like the person you become when you drink. I know, that's a hard pill to swallow. You'll probably say "I don't change", but something about you does enough for her to notice. I had to curb mine because I wasn't a very nice person to my wife, let alone anyone. It was all fun and games at the bar/in the shop, but in the end all I did was isolate myself from her. No doubt, I love beer, and will continue to consume it, but it takes a real honest person being honest with themselves to see what it's doing to a relationship.

I usually drop it for a while and tell the wife so she sees I'm committed to her. She doesn't ask me to do it. I just do it to prove she comes first.

As for kids, I think a lot of folks operate under the assumption every wife/husband out there are in agreement about kids. I'm convinced they aren't, and it usually takes an accident/arm twisting to make it happen. You just need to explain to her why you want one. If you're honest and real enough, she will understand.

 

[ViciousJay]

Hey Chris, you need to get out ASAP! Also didn't she cheat on you at some point?

 

[Grabber]

Thank you for the feedback. Processing all off this.

I'll respond a bit later tonight when I have some more time.

-Chris

 

[Blown 89]

5 beers is a a lot and I know people like to say they don't change after a few but as someone that's sober 99% of the time (at worst I have one drink when I go out) I can honestly say that people change. I've had former partners that drank and it changed their personality and made them much less attractive. Some more than others but either way it's really unattractive and incredibly sad to watch. Perhaps there's something she doesn't like about it and you should take an honest look at yourself. At the very least you need to talk and figure out why she doesn't want you to drink and work through the problem from there. Not wanting you to drink because she doesn't isn't reasonable but neither is putting her in the situation of radically altering yourself around her.

The kids issue is something you need to work out. As a parent I can tell you that it's bar-none, the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. If it's something that you want you owe it to yourself to explore that while respecting her desire not to. If this marriage is on the way out kids won't save it and don't put your future kid into that situation by trying. Not only that but if you love our children I promise you that sharing custody after a divorce will be incredibly painful. You're changing the game on her here but people do change so that's a tough one.

As someone that has a former mother in law from hell and a father that's not easy in his own right, I can say that dealing with parents is an impossible situation. Families come in, wreak havoc, then go home in peace and leave you and your wife a smoldering mess. It sucks but your wife is in a no-win situation if she battles with the family. Spouses can't stand up for themselves without the risk of pissing their spouse off, their spouse's family off, or sucking it up and hurting inside. We tend to forget that our spouses can't interact with our families the way that we do. I can handle my father in a way that would never be acceptable for a spouse to. If there's strife it's your job to shield your wife from your family and stand up for her if need be because she can't do that herself without causing more problems. That goes both ways as both of them need to understand that you're put in the middle so set some very clear rules with everyone. The reality is that families need to stay out of relationships and it's your job to enforce that with yours and her job to enforce that with hers and leave each other out of it with your respective families.

It sounds like you need help. I'm not convinced family therapists are any ****ing good but you may need something. Sometimes it helps to have someone facilitate conversations and teach you how to communicate and work through problems.

 

[HudsonFalcon]

Good afternoon SVTP,

For those affected by the recent snow and extreme cold, be safe out there.

Not really totally comfortable posting this, since I keep my married life extremely private.

But, I'd like to see what others think, as I've already come to certain conclusions in my mind.

Been with my wife for a total of 16 years. Met in High School, dated for roughly 10 years, then got married in 2013 and are going on our 6th year of marriage.

Here are a few of the problems I'm dealing with.

She wants nothing to do with my family, in particular, my mother. I understand this, but, it's hard on me dealing with taking care of my Mother alone, but, also helping her parents whenever.

We never wanted children when we were in our 20's. Now in our 30's, I really want kids. We had many talks over the years, and a huge talk a few weeks ago where I broke down. She doesn't know if she wants kids. The part that gets me, is, I know how she is with kids. Whenever she holds a child, or plays with a slightly older child, her face is emotionless and she refers to them as "it" which drives me nuts; she came back one day after this whole thing and said she is changing her mind and came to certain realizations. I don't believe a person can change their whole being on something that quickly.

Next, comes the drinking. I drink a few times a week for the past several years, and have cut down. She always tells me after a few drinks with friends, to slow it down, I drink too much, etc. The past say, six months, I drink only on the weekends. Some days, I drink 1-2 beers, some I drink 3-4. Whenever I have more than two drinks, she asks me questions on why I need more. Finally, a few days ago, I have half a beer on Friday after a 12-hour day, and dump it. Saturday, due to the weather, was a stay at home day. I had a total of 5 beers. Each time after my second beer where I went to grab another one, she questioned me and gave me all sorts of looks. Over time, she has gotten more involved with how much I drink, how much I spend on liquor, etc. Now, again, after a long talk, she's taking it all back.

My issue is, I don't need it, but, she feels like I shouldn't drink, because she doens't drink.

I've really been internalizing a lot, this has bothered me, because I always feel guilty after I drink and she talks to me about it. I now hate the fact that she did it again and I went ahead and dumped a few hundred bucks worth of beer, plus I still have another $500-$1,000 in beer/bourbon left. I really lost all desire.

For years, I've wanted kids and she told me flat out she thought I was joking and wasn't serious, because of what we talked about in our 20's.

I think she is hanging on too tight and now she is apologizing, saying she will never do it again and I can do what I want, she doesn't want me to leave, etc.

Is this fair to either of us? Are we setting ourselves up for failure if we plan to raise a kid and I give her a chance that she will even want kids soon?

There are a lot of details I have not mentioned, so, if you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer.

One request - Please keep the joking, request for pics and what not out of here. I'm looking for honest opinions and don't need the jokes and what not.

Thank you
-Chris

Hey Chris,

I can relate to your post so I'll post my thoughts and hopefully help you gain a little perspective.

My wife and i have been together about ten years and married 5. It really was love at first site but we're different people in many ways as expected.

She doesn't like my mother. She tolerates her but really can't stand to be around her. I get it, my mom can be neurotic and over bearing but she's still my mother and that fact can't be changed.

Your wife had to realize this as well. Don't force her to be around her more than necessary but she's a part of both your lives as long as you two are together and even more so if you have kids.

The drinking situation is opposite for us. I don't really drink at all while my wife will have a drink or two every night. Frankly, I don't care since she works hard at home and at work so more power to her.

You've cut you're drinking down for her already but it's not enough so they're be something else at play here.

The kid conundrum. Again, it was opposite for us. My wife wanted kids and I never did. I compromised because I love her and didn't want to lose her and we had twins lol. Talk about shock. I was beside myself for a good many months being reluctantly forced into fatherhood. Now I love them more than anything on this planet.

It's a tricky situation for sure and probably the most life changing event a couple can experience.

I hate to assume but from reading your post it sounds like she's a little insecure and scared of losing you. You're right in that no one changes their mind about something so monumental as having children overnight. Perhaps she's telling you what you want to hear? Trust me, the prospect of having kids is terrifying if you don't think you're ready.

I'm a rookie at this whole marriage thing still but for us the key is just good ole communication. You two are a team so you have to be on the same page with everything big and small. If you're not then you have to find a middle ground that's agreeable to both of you.

You two are high school sweethearts and I've always thought those were some of the strongest bonds so I'd hate to see you throw in the towel.

Talk to her but also really listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Good luck brother!

 

[RDJ]

Disagree with all this. There are people that drink a 12-pack a night and are perfectly capable of functioning the following day.

This is called a functional alcoholic.

 

[ViciousJay]

Regards if you did it or her!

 

[tones_RS3]

That was awesome!!! I agree with everything he said there too.

Every time I hear his voice, I think about Frank on the 'F Is For Family' show. lol Great show!

 

[cbj5259]

Would love to add to this conversation...but having been divorced twice, I'm not much help. Just listening to your story OP, are you sure she isn't having an affair? My 2nd ex became distant and highly critical of me right around the time she started having an affair. I realized after it was too late and she was gone, but it is a subconscious mechanism she was using to compare me to the guy she was with. Also...for the love of God do not introduce a child to this marriage at this point...if ever. Children are amazing, but they also can put a terrible strain on a relationship. A relationship that is already rocky will be torn apart by having a kid...and there is a 91% chance that you will be left paying child support, simply because you are a man and the courts are completely gynocentric in this country. I'm not saying you need to end your marriage, but you need to really open your eyes up and see what is going on.

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[PhoenixM3]

Good afternoon SVTP,

For those affected by the recent snow and extreme cold, be safe out there.

Not really totally comfortable posting this, since I keep my married life extremely private.

But, I'd like to see what others think, as I've already come to certain conclusions in my mind.

Been with my wife for a total of 16 years. Met in High School, dated for roughly 10 years, then got married in 2013 and are going on our 6th year of marriage.

Here are a few of the problems I'm dealing with.

She wants nothing to do with my family, in particular, my mother. I understand this, but, it's hard on me dealing with taking care of my Mother alone, but, also helping her parents whenever.

We never wanted children when we were in our 20's. Now in our 30's, I really want kids. We had many talks over the years, and a huge talk a few weeks ago where I broke down. She doesn't know if she wants kids. The part that gets me, is, I know how she is with kids. Whenever she holds a child, or plays with a slightly older child, her face is emotionless and she refers to them as "it" which drives me nuts; she came back one day after this whole thing and said she is changing her mind and came to certain realizations. I don't believe a person can change their whole being on something that quickly.

Next, comes the drinking. I drink a few times a week for the past several years, and have cut down. She always tells me after a few drinks with friends, to slow it down, I drink too much, etc. The past say, six months, I drink only on the weekends. Some days, I drink 1-2 beers, some I drink 3-4. Whenever I have more than two drinks, she asks me questions on why I need more. Finally, a few days ago, I have half a beer on Friday after a 12-hour day, and dump it. Saturday, due to the weather, was a stay at home day. I had a total of 5 beers. Each time after my second beer where I went to grab another one, she questioned me and gave me all sorts of looks. Over time, she has gotten more involved with how much I drink, how much I spend on liquor, etc. Now, again, after a long talk, she's taking it all back.

My issue is, I don't need it, but, she feels like I shouldn't drink, because she doens't drink.

I've really been internalizing a lot, this has bothered me, because I always feel guilty after I drink and she talks to me about it. I now hate the fact that she did it again and I went ahead and dumped a few hundred bucks worth of beer, plus I still have another $500-$1,000 in beer/bourbon left. I really lost all desire.

For years, I've wanted kids and she told me flat out she thought I was joking and wasn't serious, because of what we talked about in our 20's.

I think she is hanging on too tight and now she is apologizing, saying she will never do it again and I can do what I want, she doesn't want me to leave, etc.

Is this fair to either of us? Are we setting ourselves up for failure if we plan to raise a kid and I give her a chance that she will even want kids soon?

There are a lot of details I have not mentioned, so, if you have any questions, I'll do my best to answer.

One request - Please keep the joking, request for pics and what not out of here. I'm looking for honest opinions and don't need the jokes and what not.

Thank you
-Chris

Counseling. You need a neutral party.

 

[ViciousJay]

Counseling. You need a neutral party.

F that crap, he needs to get out asap, jump on match.com and find some new broad. Hell I talked with my ex's husband and he even told me he loves how I accepted his kids and took care of them. That takes balls, plus he wanted to talk to my ex and tell her to take me back for something I never did anything and even commented I was a better father then him!

I was willing to give up a 400K house that had a waterpark and school for the kids in my neighbor hood for her to just have a 10 min commute to work which she has done for 14 years and still hasn't changed! I even graded half her kids papers and I don't even know on a first name bases ha. I don't even have a ****ing college degree and I was grading half of her students papers, it blows my mind how I'm more successful.

Chris, hit me up on PM or Facebook and let's talk, but my advice is GET THE **** OUT ASAP!

 

[CompOrange04GT]

I can only tell you from filling our thousands of Nursing assessments...if you drink 1-2 beers EVERY day and sometimes 3-4 daily, you have a drinking problem. Social drinking is considered a few drinks per week.
My question to you would be why do you feel the need to drink every day? What purpose does it serve for you? If you honestly look at it for 'why' you do it, you will realize that it is an issue.
Of course my opinion is purely that, an opinion.

Wait wait

1 beer a day... is a drinking problem? What the ****


So, do people that have a daily 2 coffees.. do they have a coffee problem?

Or people who drink a soda a day.. a soda problem.

Funny how it’s only a problem on one side

 

[Grabber]

Counseling. You need a neutral party.

We've thought about it, but, my wife is not open to Therapy or Counseling now.

That may change, so, we will see.

 

[9397SVTs]

We've thought about it, but, my wife is not open to Therapy or Counseling now.

That may change, so, we will see.

*sigh* That's not good.

 

[Grabber]

*sigh* That's not good.

I've been closed off from her for years, that, even though I know she wants to make it right and try to change/improve, I feel the damage is done and I've been running on fumes lately.

I do believe I am sufferering from depression too, even though I don't go to Doctor's really. I did as a child as was clinically diagnosed and took several medications for it, along with my insomnia.

These days, I barely sleep, have no appetite, little energy, even though, I am staying positive, being kind, helping where and whenever I can with anyone, etc.

One day at a time.

 

[03Sssnake]

I've been closed off from her for years, that, even though I know she wants to make it right and try to change/improve, I feel the damage is done and I've been running on fumes lately.

I do believe I am sufferering from depression too, even though I don't go to Doctor's really. I did as a child as was clinically diagnosed and took several medications for it, along with my insomnia.

These days, I barely sleep, have no appetite, little energy, even though, I am staying positive, being kind, helping where and whenever I can with anyone, etc.

One day at a time.

some days you just feel like you are on autopilot....just keep putting one foot in front of the other bud.