When dealing with the police remember:
1. No asking me directions while I'm pointing a shotgun at a suspect.
2. No following me at 100 mph just to see where I'm going.
3. No touching me. Ever.
4. No asking if I've ever killed anyone.
5. No asking to touch my gun.
6. No interrupting my meal break to ask for directions or tell me about a ticket you got 20 years ago.
7. No pointing at me and tell your misbehaving child I'm gonna arrest him/her.
8. No asking if I remember you from handling your bicycle theft 5 years ago.
9. No reminding me about police discretion when I tell you that you're getting a ticket. I know what it is. Fight it or pay it.
10. No asking if I can tell you who is the registered owner of a certain license plate or address. I doesn't matter if they are doin' your wife, I still can't tell you who they are.
11. No whiney little requests after I arrest you. No, you can't h ave a cigarrette, or a drink, we're not stopping to pick up your coat, nor will we take a potty break. You are going to jail , not a full-service hotel.
12. No crying to me when I empty a can of OC into the back seat with you. If you try to kick out the back windows of my car, I'm saving you a felony charge of destruction of PD property.
13. No lying about it. If I see you do it, you won't win.
14. No requests to run your name just so you can know if you have any warrants. Take a moment to think about what is going to happen if I find one. If you still can't figure out what I'm talking about and still want me to do it, please familiarize yourself with rules 11 and 12 above before we continue.
15. No telling me what the law is. I know. You don't.
16. No telling me you pay my salary. Let's assume for a moment that you do pay cops' salary. Well, I pay taxes too, so I pay cops' salary, too. So let's just say that this stop is on me.
17. No puking into my defroster.
18. No spitting unless you want your head in a bag.
19. No crapping in your pants in my car.
20. No telling me you know the mayor / sheriff / governor, president., etc.
21. No telling me it's my fault your life is ruined. You f*cked it up all by yourself.
22. No telling me you know the chief personally. So do I, and he expects me to do my job.
23. No telling me you know a cop named "Jim" who works here.
24. No calling and complaining about the length of your neighbors' grass.
25. No pissing people off. I am not your personal protection service.
26. No babysitting. At no point in time did it ever become my job to raise your children, I have enough problems raising my wiener dog thank you very much.
27. No approaching me on a traffic stop and asking to run my siren. Do I come to your office and ask to play with stuff?
28. No donut jokes.
29. No telling your kids I will take them to jail. Say it, and I may take YOU to jail.
30. No asking for gas money. Get a job.
31. No groupies.
32. No Wannabes.
33. No coffee and donuts jokes. However, cappuccino and croissants are acceptable.
34. No asking if you can test positive for a drug by just being around it.
35. No whining about me violating your probation. You did that all by yourself.
36. No telling the person on the phone, "There's a cop here and he's going to shoot me."
37 No lying.
38. No crying.
39 No cheek slappers in my patrol car.
40. No whining about my spotlight in your mirrors.
41. No whining about my flashlight in your eyes.
42. No arguing. Period. Just sign the friggin' ticket and shut the fu*k up.
43. No looking at my radar reading. Tough noogies, you'll just have to trust me.
44. No calling the judge names just because you know my video recorder is on.
45. No flashing my video recorder. Well...wait a minute....
46. If you're doing 100mph in a 70mph zone don't ask why I pulled you over.
47. When I'm taking you to jail don't tell me about how you're going to be an officer one day.
48. When I walk in the room, don't say "I DIDN'T DO IT"' cause you probably did at one time.
49. Don't insult my intelligence with obvious lies or anything else. I wasn't born yesterday.
50. No mistaking my kindness for weakness.
51. No asking to go shopping on a restricted license.
52. No begging for a break. Beg, and you get the who le can.
53. No hurting children. That will make you my enemy and that is dangerous.
54. No telling me you're an Elk, Mason, Eagle or Moose. It means nothing to me.
55. No threatening my family. Fatal error.
56. No threatening to call my supervisor. He already knows I'm an a**hole.
57. No asking for an extra grope when I frisk you.
58. No asking for me to scratch an itchy spot during same frisk.
59. No complaining my hood is hot when I lay you out. I know. Black paint is hot.
60. No more asking for warnings. Automatic ticket.
61. No more asking me to wait for your friend to come and drive your car away instead of the wrecker. (It's part of the punishment).
62. No more stopping behind my traffic stop and blocking my lights.
63. No more saying you're a lawyer. Even if you were, it wouldn't matter.
64. No more saying you'll have my job for this. (yawn).
65. No "swearing to God," when you'rr c aught dirty.
66. No spelling my name wrong when you complain. Why do you think they make me wear a nametag, you friggin' idiot?
67. No running. I will still catch you and when I do, I will express my dissatisfaction.
68. No reaching under your seat unless you like the feel of cold gun metal in your ear.
69. No touching any weapons in your car just "to show me." You show me yours and I'll show you mine.
70. No stacking five or six cop ball caps in your rear deck.
71. No phony "I support cops" stickers in your window.
72. No telling me you had one beer. Nobody drinks one beer.
73. No staring at your speedometer in slack-jawed disbelief when I tell you your speed.
74. No telling me your speedometer "said" something else. Speedometers don't talk.
75No telling me your speedometer is broken. Ain't buyin' it.
76. No calling your dad (or anybody else) when I have you stopped and having him come out and yell at m e for stopping you.
77. No answering the above call and coming out to my stop, getting out of your car, storming over towards my patrol car, and crying "that's my son!". I don't care. He's my stop. Go away or go to jail, and that's your only warning.
78. No comments about a "quota". Yes, it's true... three more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven.
79. No telling me that I should be out chasing "real criminals". You broke the law. That makes YOU a criminal. A "real" one even.
80. No telling me you're doing your botany homework, when I catch you in a cow pasture with a bag of mushrooms.
81. No telling me I pulled you over because you're black, oriental, cuban, iranian, mexican, hindu, canadian, samoan, redneck, because you're from out of state, meeting my quota, driving a mercedes, or any other ignorant reason other than what your ignorant a** did to get your ignorant a** stopped.
82. No coming to a complete stop in the hammer lan e on the interstate if I come up behind you running code 3. This will make the Policeman very angry, and he may smite you in the pocketbook if he gets a Code 4 ( no further assistance needed) transmission over the radio, and you are still in sight.
83. No interrupting me if I'm eating to come up to ask me if I know your brother/sister/friend/whoever that works for a small county agency on the other side of the state. Guess what? We all don't know each other! Now go away!
84. No complaining about me speeding on the way to jail. Do you really want to sit in the back of my squad all night? I have more people to arrest.
85. No forgetting who has the right of way at four-way stop intersections. We really hate it when you don't go when you are supposed to, just because you're scared of the police car also at the stop sign. We don't even care if you screw it up - JUST GO!
86. No ignoring my lights until you reach your driveway. Those lights mean stop - NOW!
87. No shouting out, "WE DON'T CHARGE COPS HERE. IT'S FREE!" as I stand at the head of a long line to pay for my lunch.
88. No asking scum questions, like if "they" can arrest/stop/detain/search you for this or that, when "they" is ME! I'm standing right in front of you! Ask if I can do it.
89. No shaking my hand. Refer back to #3.
1. No asking me directions while I'm pointing a shotgun at a suspect.
2. No following me at 100 mph just to see where I'm going.
3. No touching me. Ever.
4. No asking if I've ever killed anyone.
5. No asking to touch my gun.
6. No interrupting my meal break to ask for directions or tell me about a ticket you got 20 years ago.
7. No pointing at me and tell your misbehaving child I'm gonna arrest him/her.
8. No asking if I remember you from handling your bicycle theft 5 years ago.
9. No reminding me about police discretion when I tell you that you're getting a ticket. I know what it is. Fight it or pay it.
10. No asking if I can tell you who is the registered owner of a certain license plate or address. I doesn't matter if they are doin' your wife, I still can't tell you who they are.
11. No whiney little requests after I arrest you. No, you can't h ave a cigarrette, or a drink, we're not stopping to pick up your coat, nor will we take a potty break. You are going to jail , not a full-service hotel.
12. No crying to me when I empty a can of OC into the back seat with you. If you try to kick out the back windows of my car, I'm saving you a felony charge of destruction of PD property.
13. No lying about it. If I see you do it, you won't win.
14. No requests to run your name just so you can know if you have any warrants. Take a moment to think about what is going to happen if I find one. If you still can't figure out what I'm talking about and still want me to do it, please familiarize yourself with rules 11 and 12 above before we continue.
15. No telling me what the law is. I know. You don't.
16. No telling me you pay my salary. Let's assume for a moment that you do pay cops' salary. Well, I pay taxes too, so I pay cops' salary, too. So let's just say that this stop is on me.
17. No puking into my defroster.
18. No spitting unless you want your head in a bag.
19. No crapping in your pants in my car.
20. No telling me you know the mayor / sheriff / governor, president., etc.
21. No telling me it's my fault your life is ruined. You f*cked it up all by yourself.
22. No telling me you know the chief personally. So do I, and he expects me to do my job.
23. No telling me you know a cop named "Jim" who works here.
24. No calling and complaining about the length of your neighbors' grass.
25. No pissing people off. I am not your personal protection service.
26. No babysitting. At no point in time did it ever become my job to raise your children, I have enough problems raising my wiener dog thank you very much.
27. No approaching me on a traffic stop and asking to run my siren. Do I come to your office and ask to play with stuff?
28. No donut jokes.
29. No telling your kids I will take them to jail. Say it, and I may take YOU to jail.
30. No asking for gas money. Get a job.
31. No groupies.
32. No Wannabes.
33. No coffee and donuts jokes. However, cappuccino and croissants are acceptable.
34. No asking if you can test positive for a drug by just being around it.
35. No whining about me violating your probation. You did that all by yourself.
36. No telling the person on the phone, "There's a cop here and he's going to shoot me."
37 No lying.
38. No crying.
39 No cheek slappers in my patrol car.
40. No whining about my spotlight in your mirrors.
41. No whining about my flashlight in your eyes.
42. No arguing. Period. Just sign the friggin' ticket and shut the fu*k up.
43. No looking at my radar reading. Tough noogies, you'll just have to trust me.
44. No calling the judge names just because you know my video recorder is on.
45. No flashing my video recorder. Well...wait a minute....
46. If you're doing 100mph in a 70mph zone don't ask why I pulled you over.
47. When I'm taking you to jail don't tell me about how you're going to be an officer one day.
48. When I walk in the room, don't say "I DIDN'T DO IT"' cause you probably did at one time.
49. Don't insult my intelligence with obvious lies or anything else. I wasn't born yesterday.
50. No mistaking my kindness for weakness.
51. No asking to go shopping on a restricted license.
52. No begging for a break. Beg, and you get the who le can.
53. No hurting children. That will make you my enemy and that is dangerous.
54. No telling me you're an Elk, Mason, Eagle or Moose. It means nothing to me.
55. No threatening my family. Fatal error.
56. No threatening to call my supervisor. He already knows I'm an a**hole.
57. No asking for an extra grope when I frisk you.
58. No asking for me to scratch an itchy spot during same frisk.
59. No complaining my hood is hot when I lay you out. I know. Black paint is hot.
60. No more asking for warnings. Automatic ticket.
61. No more asking me to wait for your friend to come and drive your car away instead of the wrecker. (It's part of the punishment).
62. No more stopping behind my traffic stop and blocking my lights.
63. No more saying you're a lawyer. Even if you were, it wouldn't matter.
64. No more saying you'll have my job for this. (yawn).
65. No "swearing to God," when you'rr c aught dirty.
66. No spelling my name wrong when you complain. Why do you think they make me wear a nametag, you friggin' idiot?
67. No running. I will still catch you and when I do, I will express my dissatisfaction.
68. No reaching under your seat unless you like the feel of cold gun metal in your ear.
69. No touching any weapons in your car just "to show me." You show me yours and I'll show you mine.
70. No stacking five or six cop ball caps in your rear deck.
71. No phony "I support cops" stickers in your window.
72. No telling me you had one beer. Nobody drinks one beer.
73. No staring at your speedometer in slack-jawed disbelief when I tell you your speed.
74. No telling me your speedometer "said" something else. Speedometers don't talk.
75No telling me your speedometer is broken. Ain't buyin' it.
76. No calling your dad (or anybody else) when I have you stopped and having him come out and yell at m e for stopping you.
77. No answering the above call and coming out to my stop, getting out of your car, storming over towards my patrol car, and crying "that's my son!". I don't care. He's my stop. Go away or go to jail, and that's your only warning.
78. No comments about a "quota". Yes, it's true... three more tickets and my wife gets a new toaster oven.
79. No telling me that I should be out chasing "real criminals". You broke the law. That makes YOU a criminal. A "real" one even.
80. No telling me you're doing your botany homework, when I catch you in a cow pasture with a bag of mushrooms.
81. No telling me I pulled you over because you're black, oriental, cuban, iranian, mexican, hindu, canadian, samoan, redneck, because you're from out of state, meeting my quota, driving a mercedes, or any other ignorant reason other than what your ignorant a** did to get your ignorant a** stopped.
82. No coming to a complete stop in the hammer lan e on the interstate if I come up behind you running code 3. This will make the Policeman very angry, and he may smite you in the pocketbook if he gets a Code 4 ( no further assistance needed) transmission over the radio, and you are still in sight.
83. No interrupting me if I'm eating to come up to ask me if I know your brother/sister/friend/whoever that works for a small county agency on the other side of the state. Guess what? We all don't know each other! Now go away!
84. No complaining about me speeding on the way to jail. Do you really want to sit in the back of my squad all night? I have more people to arrest.
85. No forgetting who has the right of way at four-way stop intersections. We really hate it when you don't go when you are supposed to, just because you're scared of the police car also at the stop sign. We don't even care if you screw it up - JUST GO!
86. No ignoring my lights until you reach your driveway. Those lights mean stop - NOW!
87. No shouting out, "WE DON'T CHARGE COPS HERE. IT'S FREE!" as I stand at the head of a long line to pay for my lunch.
88. No asking scum questions, like if "they" can arrest/stop/detain/search you for this or that, when "they" is ME! I'm standing right in front of you! Ask if I can do it.
89. No shaking my hand. Refer back to #3.
