This story is not mine, it is a kid I know. He typed this on our Fantasy Football board. I almost died of laughter. I had to share this...
Here's the story of the time I almost got arrested for vagrancy (being homeless) when I lived in Denver.
100% True Story.
I went out with my buddy George M...after work on a Friday night in downtown Denver. I ran an Enterprise Rent A Car branch in one part of Denver and George ran another branch on another side of town.
We go out this one night and it was was like record low temperatures. It was -4, -5 degrees or something like that to this cigar bar.
We park in a parking garage and go into this cigar bar and proceed to get shit faced. I hadn't smoked a cigar in years and wasn't prepared about how ****ed up it was going to make me after drinking so much gin. I was cocked, probably like 8 gin and tonics and then I bought this 20 dollar cigar.
I smoked like half of it and started to get dizzy and turn ****ing green in the face. I go down to the bathroom of this bar and just start puking everywhere. They ask me to leave cuz I'm puking all over the place so I ask George for his car keys so I can go sleep in his car in the parking garage while he stays at the bar. He gives me his keys except I was new to Denver and completely ****ing forgot where I parked.
I am completely shit faced and I end up walking in the negative -5 degree weather about 3/4 of a mile away from the bar. I just started walking. I finally look up at the street sign and realize I have no ****ing clue where I am. I am puking every 10 minutes and there is dried spit, snot and puke FROZED to my ****ing face.
I lay down on the sidewalk in front of the ESPN zone and I know a cop came by and was ****ing with me to figure out what I was doing. He thought I was homeless or some shit. Anyway, I really don't remember much of the conversation with the cop but I remember he put me in a cab and asked him to bring me to a homeless shelter in the city.
Now let me tell you. I was wearing a ****ing white shirt, and a sports jacket. Similar to what a bum might be wearing if he was homeless and just found some hand me down shit at the salvation army...I lost my tie somewhere that I had on. I literally could have passed for a bum.
When I throw up I'm like DD. ****ing violent and I busted almost every blood vessel in my face so my face was all red and blotchy like I was a drunk vagrant.
I could easily see how the cop thought I was homeless. Lying down on the sidewalk shivering to ****ing death with puke and snot all frozen to my face and almost in tears because my stomach hurt so bad.
Next thing I know I'm in a can headed to a homeless shelter...
So I'm in the cab and I remember bits and pieces of this and I reach down in my pockets and realize I have like ****ing 13 burritos in my jacket pocket all wrapped in aluminum foil.
In Denver, instead of like Sausage or Hot Dog stands outside of the bars on the weekends. They have dudes with little warming bins that sell burritos they made at home and they sell them for like 2 bucks a piece to all the drunk kids coming out of the bars at night.
I guess I must have given the mexican guy like 20 ****ing bucks or some shit.
I am laying down in the back seat of this cab NO ****ing clue where I am or where I'm going.
I remember lying there freezing my dick off just shoving burritos in my mouth.
the cab driver was a ****ing Arab of course and I remember I kept trying to feed him one of my burritos.
I'm like "dude I have like 20 ****ing burritos in my pocket take a ****ing burrito"
hes going "no no no no no. No burrito"
I remember getting ****ing violent with the dude at one point and telling him to "EAT A ****ING BURRITO" and almost ramming it in his face.
Dude flips out and throws me the **** out of his cab right back on the street. It's -5 degrees, I have about 5 burritos left in my pocket, ****ing cheese and chili all over my face, frozen puke all over my face, frozen boogers coming out of my nose.
I'm on ****ing Colfax Avenue in Denver now and I just start puking again.
This time I wouldn't say I'm sobering up but I'm not exactly blacked out anymore either. I'm just like Olsen on a Tuesday night. REALLY ****ing cocked to the point where I don't give a shit about the cold.
I ****ing realize I know the street of the bar we were at and I hail another taxi cab and ask him to take me to Adams St. and ask if he knows the cigar bar there and he does.
****ing awesome.
I remember going through the same burrito saga with this driver. I'm ****ing mowing down on these burritos like there's no tomorrow and I keep telling the cabbie to take one from me so I don't eat them all.
This dude was mad cool and ate a burrito and dropped me back off.
Right in front of the bar 2 hours later...George is waiting at the front for me like "Dude WHERE THE **** WERE YOU?!?!?!?!?"
I had no clue but I had ****ing chili all over my white shirt, I had busted red blood vessels all over my face including puke on my shirt, shoes. etc.
No ****ing joke. I must have looked like I just ****ing crawled out of the sewer after having a kegger with the Ninja Turtles or some shit.
George was in shock.
We ****ing leave and I remember grabbing a plastic bag and just puking the entire ****ing ride as George was driving on the ride.
George stops at his ****ing Enterprise Rent A Car branch in the city to take a piss and at this point I had eaten 7 or 8 burritos EASILY. These things are shit too. Worst quality shit in them you could imagine.
So I get out of his jeep and go inside the branch with him.
It's like 1 AM...he unlocks the front door of his Enterprise branch and I go sit on the toilet in the girls bathroom and my asshole is throwing up non stop.
I am ****ing puking into a plastic bag from beign too drunk at the same time and George told me I was just sitting on the shitter crying, puking and having diarhea. He said I was in so much stomach pain I was just crying for like 20 minutes straight.
Hes like DUDE IM GUNNA ****ING LEAVE YOU HERE
Im like LEAVE MEHERE MAN I CANT ****ING MOVE, JUST COME BACK FOR ME IN THE MORNING.
After trying to get me off the shitter for like 10 minutes, he really does ****ing LEAVE.
I'm in a pitch black Enterprise branch at 1 AM in the middle of a bad part of Denver. I can't turn on any lights cuz the cops will come and I'm sitting on the toilet all alone ****ing crying, shitting and puking.
As I'm sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, I realize I've been on the toilet for like a ****ing hour and then I realize. There is no or little heat ****ing on in the building.
By that time I remember the news reports saying it was like -15 degrees or some shit so even though I checked the heat and it said it was on, the place was ****ing like a freezer. Come to find out, the pipes in the building had frozen and there was almost no heat at all.
I can't leave the building because I don't know if George re-set the alarm before he left and I don't want to open the ****ing door.
I'm ****ing cocked, red faced with puke all over my shirt. Chili all over me - a shitty ****ing ass from diarhea and I'm doing jumping jacks at like 3 AM now in the middle of an Enterprise RentA Car branch with no lights on to keep warm.
Bro I was so ****ing cold I thought I was gunna die. So ****ing cold. I debating calling 911 at least 4 or 5 times but I knew I would get fired if I got caught there since I worked for Enterprise too.
I decide to go through the lost and found in the branch which is always filled with a buncha shit people leave in cars.
I shit you not, I found like a purple winter hat (it was like for little girls), like one silver glove and one black leather glove and ****ing suit jacket that has like those ****ing tail things on the end of them. Like the dudes who run the circus or whatever.
I put all that shit on over the clothes I am wearing and I ****ing lay down right in the middle of the Enterprise to try and sleep. I remember my teeth chattering and shivering all night.
I had tried calling George like 20 times but he was cocked and he wasn't picking up his phone. I knew he had to open his branch up at 9 am the next morning.
Somehow from being too drunk I guess, I fall asleep with all this shit on in the middle of the branch.
It's like 7:30 AM in the morning and I get woken up cuz I hear a car door. I ****ing look at the front window and see a ****ing customer coming to the front door.
He gets to the front door and walks right the **** in.
GEORGE FORGOT TO LOCK THE ****ING DOOR!
Customer looks at me.
My face is covered in red blotche and like chili beans. I'm wearing one silver kids glove and one leather glove. and purple winter hat and a top coat with like a hoodie I found covering me up as a blanket.
Guy thought I was homeless sleeping in the branch and ****ing runs out scared all quick and I'm freaking.
Unreal...so I can barely move, my head hurts so ****ing bad it's not funny. I manage to get up and just run out of there.
I walk to like a convenience store and call a cab to take me home.
I didn't recover from that night for like 4 days. I was sick for half a week.
I guess the customer called the cops. Thought I was gunna lose my job, but because I was dressed like a homeless guy the cops came down and talked to George and George just said he forgot to lock the door and some homeless guy must have come in from the cold for shelter.
hahaha.
****ing worst drunk night of my life.
100% true story.
Here's the story of the time I almost got arrested for vagrancy (being homeless) when I lived in Denver.
100% True Story.
I went out with my buddy George M...after work on a Friday night in downtown Denver. I ran an Enterprise Rent A Car branch in one part of Denver and George ran another branch on another side of town.
We go out this one night and it was was like record low temperatures. It was -4, -5 degrees or something like that to this cigar bar.
We park in a parking garage and go into this cigar bar and proceed to get shit faced. I hadn't smoked a cigar in years and wasn't prepared about how ****ed up it was going to make me after drinking so much gin. I was cocked, probably like 8 gin and tonics and then I bought this 20 dollar cigar.
I smoked like half of it and started to get dizzy and turn ****ing green in the face. I go down to the bathroom of this bar and just start puking everywhere. They ask me to leave cuz I'm puking all over the place so I ask George for his car keys so I can go sleep in his car in the parking garage while he stays at the bar. He gives me his keys except I was new to Denver and completely ****ing forgot where I parked.
I am completely shit faced and I end up walking in the negative -5 degree weather about 3/4 of a mile away from the bar. I just started walking. I finally look up at the street sign and realize I have no ****ing clue where I am. I am puking every 10 minutes and there is dried spit, snot and puke FROZED to my ****ing face.
I lay down on the sidewalk in front of the ESPN zone and I know a cop came by and was ****ing with me to figure out what I was doing. He thought I was homeless or some shit. Anyway, I really don't remember much of the conversation with the cop but I remember he put me in a cab and asked him to bring me to a homeless shelter in the city.
Now let me tell you. I was wearing a ****ing white shirt, and a sports jacket. Similar to what a bum might be wearing if he was homeless and just found some hand me down shit at the salvation army...I lost my tie somewhere that I had on. I literally could have passed for a bum.
When I throw up I'm like DD. ****ing violent and I busted almost every blood vessel in my face so my face was all red and blotchy like I was a drunk vagrant.
I could easily see how the cop thought I was homeless. Lying down on the sidewalk shivering to ****ing death with puke and snot all frozen to my face and almost in tears because my stomach hurt so bad.
Next thing I know I'm in a can headed to a homeless shelter...
So I'm in the cab and I remember bits and pieces of this and I reach down in my pockets and realize I have like ****ing 13 burritos in my jacket pocket all wrapped in aluminum foil.
In Denver, instead of like Sausage or Hot Dog stands outside of the bars on the weekends. They have dudes with little warming bins that sell burritos they made at home and they sell them for like 2 bucks a piece to all the drunk kids coming out of the bars at night.
I guess I must have given the mexican guy like 20 ****ing bucks or some shit.
I am laying down in the back seat of this cab NO ****ing clue where I am or where I'm going.
I remember lying there freezing my dick off just shoving burritos in my mouth.
the cab driver was a ****ing Arab of course and I remember I kept trying to feed him one of my burritos.
I'm like "dude I have like 20 ****ing burritos in my pocket take a ****ing burrito"
hes going "no no no no no. No burrito"
I remember getting ****ing violent with the dude at one point and telling him to "EAT A ****ING BURRITO" and almost ramming it in his face.
Dude flips out and throws me the **** out of his cab right back on the street. It's -5 degrees, I have about 5 burritos left in my pocket, ****ing cheese and chili all over my face, frozen puke all over my face, frozen boogers coming out of my nose.
I'm on ****ing Colfax Avenue in Denver now and I just start puking again.
This time I wouldn't say I'm sobering up but I'm not exactly blacked out anymore either. I'm just like Olsen on a Tuesday night. REALLY ****ing cocked to the point where I don't give a shit about the cold.
I ****ing realize I know the street of the bar we were at and I hail another taxi cab and ask him to take me to Adams St. and ask if he knows the cigar bar there and he does.
****ing awesome.
I remember going through the same burrito saga with this driver. I'm ****ing mowing down on these burritos like there's no tomorrow and I keep telling the cabbie to take one from me so I don't eat them all.
This dude was mad cool and ate a burrito and dropped me back off.
Right in front of the bar 2 hours later...George is waiting at the front for me like "Dude WHERE THE **** WERE YOU?!?!?!?!?"
I had no clue but I had ****ing chili all over my white shirt, I had busted red blood vessels all over my face including puke on my shirt, shoes. etc.
No ****ing joke. I must have looked like I just ****ing crawled out of the sewer after having a kegger with the Ninja Turtles or some shit.
George was in shock.
We ****ing leave and I remember grabbing a plastic bag and just puking the entire ****ing ride as George was driving on the ride.
George stops at his ****ing Enterprise Rent A Car branch in the city to take a piss and at this point I had eaten 7 or 8 burritos EASILY. These things are shit too. Worst quality shit in them you could imagine.
So I get out of his jeep and go inside the branch with him.
It's like 1 AM...he unlocks the front door of his Enterprise branch and I go sit on the toilet in the girls bathroom and my asshole is throwing up non stop.
I am ****ing puking into a plastic bag from beign too drunk at the same time and George told me I was just sitting on the shitter crying, puking and having diarhea. He said I was in so much stomach pain I was just crying for like 20 minutes straight.
Hes like DUDE IM GUNNA ****ING LEAVE YOU HERE
Im like LEAVE MEHERE MAN I CANT ****ING MOVE, JUST COME BACK FOR ME IN THE MORNING.
After trying to get me off the shitter for like 10 minutes, he really does ****ing LEAVE.
I'm in a pitch black Enterprise branch at 1 AM in the middle of a bad part of Denver. I can't turn on any lights cuz the cops will come and I'm sitting on the toilet all alone ****ing crying, shitting and puking.
As I'm sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, I realize I've been on the toilet for like a ****ing hour and then I realize. There is no or little heat ****ing on in the building.
By that time I remember the news reports saying it was like -15 degrees or some shit so even though I checked the heat and it said it was on, the place was ****ing like a freezer. Come to find out, the pipes in the building had frozen and there was almost no heat at all.
I can't leave the building because I don't know if George re-set the alarm before he left and I don't want to open the ****ing door.
I'm ****ing cocked, red faced with puke all over my shirt. Chili all over me - a shitty ****ing ass from diarhea and I'm doing jumping jacks at like 3 AM now in the middle of an Enterprise RentA Car branch with no lights on to keep warm.
Bro I was so ****ing cold I thought I was gunna die. So ****ing cold. I debating calling 911 at least 4 or 5 times but I knew I would get fired if I got caught there since I worked for Enterprise too.
I decide to go through the lost and found in the branch which is always filled with a buncha shit people leave in cars.
I shit you not, I found like a purple winter hat (it was like for little girls), like one silver glove and one black leather glove and ****ing suit jacket that has like those ****ing tail things on the end of them. Like the dudes who run the circus or whatever.
I put all that shit on over the clothes I am wearing and I ****ing lay down right in the middle of the Enterprise to try and sleep. I remember my teeth chattering and shivering all night.
I had tried calling George like 20 times but he was cocked and he wasn't picking up his phone. I knew he had to open his branch up at 9 am the next morning.
Somehow from being too drunk I guess, I fall asleep with all this shit on in the middle of the branch.
It's like 7:30 AM in the morning and I get woken up cuz I hear a car door. I ****ing look at the front window and see a ****ing customer coming to the front door.
He gets to the front door and walks right the **** in.
GEORGE FORGOT TO LOCK THE ****ING DOOR!
Customer looks at me.
My face is covered in red blotche and like chili beans. I'm wearing one silver kids glove and one leather glove. and purple winter hat and a top coat with like a hoodie I found covering me up as a blanket.
Guy thought I was homeless sleeping in the branch and ****ing runs out scared all quick and I'm freaking.
Unreal...so I can barely move, my head hurts so ****ing bad it's not funny. I manage to get up and just run out of there.
I walk to like a convenience store and call a cab to take me home.
I didn't recover from that night for like 4 days. I was sick for half a week.
I guess the customer called the cops. Thought I was gunna lose my job, but because I was dressed like a homeless guy the cops came down and talked to George and George just said he forgot to lock the door and some homeless guy must have come in from the cold for shelter.
hahaha.
****ing worst drunk night of my life.
100% true story.
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