Official Joke Thread

[motomaniac321]

i think we should do an official joke thread, and in it, you can only post jokes, no responses to other jokes unless you tell a joke yourself in the same post. i'll start it off.

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One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.

The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.

suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.

"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!

"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.

Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.

"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.

The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"

 

[Ace5Oh]

Hahhahha!

 

[Mr. Mach-ete]

Three nuns who just died were standing in line at the pearly gates of Heaven waiting to be interviewed by Saint Peter.

As they stood in line the third nun leaned forward to the second and first and calmly stated "I hear that book Saint Peter's holding has recorded every sin a person has committed". "Yes" the first and second Nun's both agreed.

The first Nun approached Saint Peter, Saint Peter proclaimed "It states in the book of knowledge you touched a boy's penis with your hand before you became a Nun"

"Yes" sobbed the nun, "I am very sorry Saint Peter please forgive me".

"Very well" said Saint Peter, "go and wash your hands in that bowl of holy water and proceed on into Heaven".

"Thank you Saint Peter" the Nun proclaimed and proceeded on.

The second Nun stepped forward and Saint Peter proclaimed "It states in the book of knowledge you once had anal sex with a boy before you became a Nun, is this true"?

"Yes" proclaimed the second Nun sobbing openly "please forgive me"!

"Very well" Saint Peter proclaimed.

Suddenly the third nun leaps forward and starts to gargle the holy water.

"What are you doing"? demanded Saint Peter.

The third Nun, "I wanted to wash my mouth out before she dipped her ass in the bowl"

 

[OCSnk]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



Q: What’s the correct way to eat a frog?

A: Put its legs behind its ears.



Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car

Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.


This is tasteless but, it’s October and Foley’s in the news
Q. Why do pedophiles like Halloween?
A. Free Delivery!

 

[stangluver]

a ups delivery man was finishing up a very long day and he had one more package to deliver. he pulled up to a house with both cars there and all of the lights on. he knocks on the door but noone answers. he knocks again and still noone answers.
this being his last stop and ready to go home, he sees the neighbor next door working on his garden. he asks him why all the lights are on and the cars are there but nobody is answering. the neighbor explains how they are both deaf and just to walk in to deliver the package.
within a few minutes the ups guy comes running back out, screaming "what the **** is wrong with those freaks. the man is sitting there jerking off with his finger in the fishtank and the wife is sitting there trimming her pubic hair and pointing at her husband."
the neighbor thinks for a second and says "man thats their way of speaking to each other. shes saying go outside and cut the bushes and hes saying **** you bitch im going fishing.";-)

 

[T-Bolt]

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.'' The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''

A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign that says "red 68 corvette that runs on vasoline". The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, "but dont go too far cause its low on vasoline". Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later it sputters and stalls. Meanwhile at a nearby farmhouse a family is just finnishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she has just cooked and says that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of 2 daughters says that she young has a date so she cant do the dishes.The younger daughter says she cant do them because she has homework. The father says hes the man of the house so he should not have to do dishes.So the father comes up with a solution, "lets all go into the living room and the first person to say a word does the dishes". Meanwhile the diver makes his way to the farmhouse,knocks and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone faced in the living room, so he knocks again. No response so he walks in and says "i knocked but no one answered. Whats the deal?" Not a word. The man notices some leftovers on the table and asks to have some. No answer. So he eats his fill. Next he asks for a beer. No answer. So he has 6. Maybe its his imagination but he thinks the older daughter is giving him the eye. So he says id like to make love to your daughter. No answer. So they go off together,on his return he has a few more beers. How about the other daughter he asks. No answer. So off they go, and he has his way again. On his retun he poses the same question for the wife and still gets no answer. Off he goes,and he has his way for the 3rd time.When he gets back he realizes its getting dark and he needs to get going. So one last time he returns to the living room and asks "Do you have any vasoline?". "Alright alright" says the father, "i'll do the damn dishes"

 

[SLOW]

Poker PLAYA
Jeff heads over to tims house for their friday evening card game and when he arrives they are one player short, so tims wife agrees to play and the game is on..Well a few hands into the game jeff drops a card and bends down to pick it up and notices tims wife isnt wearing any panties..He sits back up and notices tims wife looking at him with a smile on her face, later in the evening jeff goes to the kitchen to get a beer and tims wife says did you see something you liked? And jeff replies yes i did..she says for five hundred dollars you can have it, jeff agrees..she says come over friday before noon because tim will still be at work, so friday comes jeff does his thing and leaves. Later on tim arrives and asks if jeff had come by the house..she calmly replies yes he stopped by here earlier, tim asks did he give you five hundred dollars for something..startled she says honestly "yes" he said good that mother ****er better have paid me back like he said cause he borrowed five hundred from me this morning before the bank opened..

 

[ford_racer]

2 guys, 1 gay and 1 straight, were on a road trip together. The two guys had been friends for a good time, and were strictly that, just friends. They were in there car when all of a sudden, it broke. Neither of them knew anything about cars, so they couldn't fix it.

After a while the gay man stated "There is a pay phone about a mile up the road, how about we walk to it and call some help?"

The straight man says "Are you sure there is a pay phone up there?"

The gay man says "Yes, let's go." So the two start walking. After a mile of walking, sure enough, there is a pay phone.

The straight guy asks "How did you know there was a pay phone here?"

"Because gay people know everything." The gay man replies.

The two got to the phone, but noticed the phone line was cut.

"Damn." The gay guy says "Oh well, there is a house about two miles up the road."

"Are you sure there is a house up there?" says the straight man.

"Yes, let's start walking." The gay man replies. So after 2 miles of walking, sure enough, there is a house.

"Wow. How'd you know this house was here?" The straight man asks.

"Because gay people know everything." The gay man replies. They walk up to the house and ring the... uh, the ummm. They ring the uhhhh...

Shit guys, I can't remember the word. Will someone help me out here?


Ahh you ****ers suck. The whole point was for someone to say "doorbell" and then I say "Gay people know everything."

I guess it's just not cut for the interweb.

 

[viper]

Nice one

Q. Where does superman keep his fish?
A. In the superbowl :bowdown:

 

[bolinger06]

boys out fishing with his grandpa and grandpa pulls out a beer and the boy asked if he can have one. grandpa replies, can your dick touch your ass? Boy replies, no.. and grandpa says nope, your not man enough to have one then. Next day the same thing.. finally they get home and grandma had made some cookies and the boy snatches them up. Grandpa see's them and asks him he can have one. Boy replies, can your dick touch your ass? Grandpa says, matter a fact it can. Boy replies, Then go **** yourself

Q: How do u know when a girls having a bad day?
A: She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil.

Why are womens feet smaller than mens?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Why dont women wear a watch?
A: The stove has a clock on it.

Why's the school house red?
A: What color would u be if you had 7 periods a day.