Need some insight from part time fathers ;)

[Fromadigg]

Long time poster to car forums and former (whipple) Cobra owner. Throw away account obviously. Long story short, was involved with a woman who was living two lives and we're in the process of sorting this out.

I let her hang herself hard enough I've got total leverage here. I set the terms, she signs the papers. That's how it has been and its taken a long long time to get here boys. Those of you that have gone through this know what its like when you meet the "real her."

Anyways, I'm having trouble finding objective opinions about being a part time father. I'm trying to be honest with myself here and I know watching these kids 50\50 is not going to be something I adjust to. I'm looking to either start another family or spend most of my time on the road traveling for work.

So my thoughts are a Friday night through Monday morning once a month + holidays + whenever I feel like it type arrangement. But I need to hear from guys that have lost their everything you know?

Would appreciate the guilt trippers to save their replies, because I feel none. I've been given the green light by more than one professional to put some distance between me and this person. Now I just need to understand what its like on the other side.

Reading stuff like this is obviously terrifying

I traveled recently for 3 weeks and when I came back my kids didn't fully recognize me and I wanted to die after putting them to bed and them not really warming up to me. My oldest was talking to me like I was a stranger and telling me things that happened months ago that I was there for. It was like she forgot me.

Appreciate any input guys, thanks.

 

[Coming Up]

Only you know how much you love your kids. No one can possibly tell you how much time your children will need to be raised without daddy issues.

edit: that paragraph you quoted will probably be you. Just basing that off the tone of your post.

 

[Fromadigg]

I get that, and I've been running into that. But I'm trying to prevent the opposite issue too. My dad did 50\50 but never really wanted to or lived up to it. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this the best I can.

He lucked out in that by the time they split, I was old enough (12\13) that I could be mostly self sufficient. I don't know the exact time line, but shortly there after I was raising myself. This caused a lot of issues later in life not having a father figure. He basically just bought his way out of everything. I could and can tell he was miserable doing that, while declaring to everyone whenever anyone will listen how great of a father he was and how much he loves his kids. It's just feel good bullshit.

I really don't want that to be me, but I already got suckered for 10 years, I have to draw some lines in the sand. You can only sacrifice so much of yourself. I did everything I could and finally got some good advice from AA.

• We didn’t cause it – it is not our fault that the other person drinks, it is their private battle
• We can’t control it – we have no power over the other person's desire to drink
• We can’t cure it – it is an illness that cannot be cured through any known medical remedies

Her issue isn't alcohol. But regardless, it's helpful to know that you have to set limits. And then past that I decided to work on some of my own personal issues of how I got here, namely that I didn't have any person boundaries. I was always trying to work though things to some better resolution, not realizing I should have taken "an L" a long long time ago.

It's just so alien to me that a woman would sacrifice her family for such stupid bullshit, but I've learned that lesson the hard way. Even more confusing is how someone could think that this stuff wouldn't catch up to them and then just play stupid.

I'll tell you, a pathological liar is a terrifying and dangerous person.

 

[DHG1078]

What do you do for a living where you travel so much you can't spend more than 3 days a month with your kids? How old are your kids?

It honestly sounds like you don't want to be a father to your kids, and don't want to spend time raising them.

 

[03cobra#694]

So, what's your normal user name here?

 

[03cobra#694]

So, what's your normal user name here?

Found it!

 

[Fromadigg]

What do you do for a living where you travel so much you can't spend more than 3 days a month with your kids? How old are your kids?

It honestly sounds like you don't want to be a father to your kids, and don't want to spend time raising them.

I'm actually trying to figure this out, that is just some random number. I don't know what a realistic number is to leave room for a travel job or another family.

 

[DHG1078]

I'm actually trying to figure this out, that is just some random number. I don't know what a realistic number is to leave room for a travel job or another family.

So whats your job, and how often do you actually travel.

 

[Fromadigg]

So whats your job, and how often do you actually travel.

I don't have a traveling job right now. I don't need to have any specific schedule, which is why I'm looking for input. I don't want my kids to forget me, but I just lost 10+ years to basically a sham.

On my path to recovery I'd like to spend some time traveling and seeing the kids as much as I need for them to have a strong connection, while balancing the need for distance.

 

[Coiled03]

I'm very confused. So, you had a relationship with a woman, and had children with her. Then, you find out she's wacko, or whatever, so you're leaving her. At the same time, you essentially want to wash your hands of the kids you had with her? Am I getting this right? If not, you might want to rephrase, because that's sure what it sounds like.

 

[DHG1078]

I'm very confused. So, you had a relationship with a woman, and had children with her. Then, you find out she's wacko, or whatever, so you're leaving her. At the same time, you essentially want to wash your hands of the kids you had with her? Am I getting this right? If not, you might want to rephrase, because that's sure what it sounds like.

Thats exactly how I am reading it.

I don't have a traveling job right now. I don't need to have any specific schedule, which is why I'm looking for input. I don't want my kids to forget me, but I just lots 10+ years to basically a sham.

On my path to recovery I'd like to spend some time traveling and seeing the kids as much as I need for them to have a strong connection, while balancing the need for distance.

Everything about your mindset tells me you don't want to be a dad, but don't want to be viewed as a deadbeat by your peers.

You don't have any commitments keeping you away from the kids more than 40-ish hours a week. Everything about this separation should be about the kids, not you. If you really wanted to be a good father, you would be trying to figure out how to include them in your travels and plans, not get away from them.

How else are you going to bond with them if you don't spend time with them?

 

[Fromadigg]

I'm very confused. So, you had a relationship with a woman, and had children with her. Then, you find out she's wacko, or whatever, so you're leaving her. At the same time, you essentially want to wash your hands of the kids you had with her? Am I getting this right? If not, you might want to rephrase, because that's sure what it sounds like.

No that's not what I want, because if I wanted that, I would be fully able to walk away.

What I'm asking here is not complex, but it is something that I've found out is very rare. I'm looking to balance my visitation in a way that starting a new family or having a travel job would be possible.

 

[03cobra#694]

Throw away account obviously. .

 

[Fromadigg]

Thats exactly how I am reading it.

If you really wanted to be a good father, you would be trying to figure out how to include them in your travels and plans, not get away from them.

How else are you going to bond with them if you don't spend time with them?

When did I say I wouldn't travel with them or spend time with them?

You see this is the issue here, and why I came here. Everyone sees the issue in black and white. It's either 50\50 or DEADBEAT.

 

[DHG1078]

When did I say I wouldn't travel with them or spend time with them?

You see this is the issue here, and why I came here. Everyone sees the issue in black and white. It's either 50\50 or DEADBEAT.

Because you said you need distance from the kids so you can travel and only want them 3 days a month.

 

[Coming Up]

Man up, figure it out for yourself.

 

[Fromadigg]

Because you said you need distance from the kids so you can travel and only want them 3 days a month.

Distance is from her, not the kids. And that was a random number. I mean, again, like the thread says, I'm looking for input.

All I know is I don't want to be a deadbeat or 50\50, and want flexibility to travel or start another family. I don't know what that means because I've never lived that life.

Plenty of other men have and are.

 

[DHG1078]

Why are you against 50/50? or more custody for yourself if you are really in such a position?

Currently, it sounds like you have no real commitments to leave town, which means travel will be minimal, and for pleasure only. You could easily coordinate this to take the kids with you. You don't negotiate custody based on a dream of traveling 90% of the time for work. You renegotiate after you get the job.

 

[nxhappy]

so let me get this straight :

you want to travel
you want to start another family
BUT you don't want to be a deadbeat father

I am going to be brutally honest. It sounds like you are selfish mother****er. You can't just walk away from your wife AND the kids. The kids will need you now more than ever. You are in it 100%, even though your wife is crazy. You can't just ****ing travel the world, and leave your kids. Or start a new family immediately after your divorce. Time to man up and face the facts.

 

[Fromadigg]

Why are you against 50/50? or more custody for yourself if you are really in such a position?

Currently, it sounds like you have no real commitments to leave town, which means travel will be minimal, and for pleasure only. You could easily coordinate this to take the kids with you. You don't negotiate custody based on a dream of traveling 90% of the time for work. You renegotiate after you get the job.

Right, it's by choice. Jump on a motorcycle and travel, fly back to keep the connection with the kids in tact. So I'm trying to figure out what that schedule looks like. What that life is like.

I don't see myself enjoying a 50\50 setup. I didn't have kids to have "children," I had them to start a family. Very much enjoy having a family, don't enjoy being a glorified baby sitter.