Commuting with Small Kids at Home?

[hb712]

Being intentionally vague, I have two opportunities that could open some big doors for me in a couple years, but which would require me to live in another city (5.5 hours or 3 hours away) during the week. Essentially, I would be away Mon-Thurs, home Fri and Sat, and be traveling back Sun evening. This would be for about 7 months of the year, for two years.

Normally, I would just go ahead and go. The doors that open up are substantial and could shape my career for a long time. However, I have a toddler who will be 3 when I leave and will have a 1-month old by that time as well. So, have any of you had to deal with a situation like this? If so, what were your experiences? Even if you haven't had to deal with anything like this, I welcome opinions.

 

[Drive XR7]

Are you married? Do you have a wife or partner at home?

I travel alot for work, am gone probably 5-10 days every 1 or 2 months. My wife doesn't work and stays home with my 1 y/o son. It's hard on her when I'm gone but she knows I have to travel to bring in a paycheck to provide.

 

[hb712]

Are you married? Do you have a wife or partner at home?

I travel alot for work, am gone probably 5-10 days every 1 or 2 months. My wife doesn't work and stays home with my 1 y/o son. It's hard on her when I'm gone but she knows I have to travel to bring in a paycheck to provide.

Yes. I should have noted, my wife would be home with the kids. Though, my primary concern is how my relationship with the youngest will evolve if I'm gone for extended periods of time.

 

[Lambeau]

I would not. Your kids only grow up once.

 

[Drive XR7]

This is a hard problem. It is 100% normal that you are struggling with this decision. I would question any father that doesn't struggle with a decision like this.

When my wife goes back to work, I intend to quit this job or find something different that does not require me to travel as much. Your kids only grow up once.

An exercise I did once was all about taking inventory of the things important to you. Nobody is the same. Take a few steps back and decide what is most important to you. Then decide if your job fits into those values. There's your answer.

I know plenty of folks who gave up Executive jobs because they had kids.

 

[dom418]

F that! You will never get that time back and for what? Money? IMO it's not worth missing those years. As I get older I put my work life balance as my top priority. You can still do well for yourself, bust your ass and have a family life.

You want your kids to know you. Plus that is going to put major stress on your home life. That's asking a lot from your lady to handle the house 80% of the week.

 

[ON D BIT]

Why not just move to another city? Or lease sub lease in the other city for your entire family to live 7 months of the year?

 

[DHG1078]

Why not just move to another city? Or lease sub lease in the other city for your entire family to live 7 months of the year?

I was gonna ask the same thing. What's preventing your whole family from moving?

 

[hb712]

I was gonna ask the same thing. What's preventing your whole family from moving?

The primary reason is that my wife does not want to move, at all. She's probably right in that regard as we will have just finished an addition on the house, will have a newborn very close to family who could help with childcare when needed, etc.... The secondary issue would be housing as we have 4 large dogs that make rentals a bit of a concern.

 

[SonicDTR]

Move or dont do it IMO. This is along the same lines as truck drivers. I grew up in a family of drivers and its hard, I dont think relationships nowadays are able to withstand it like previous generations.

 

[Dusten]

I did this for about a year. I lived 160 miles from home, came home on the weekend and randomly made the trip during the week. Its was ****ing awful.
Same situation as you, wife worked, wouldn't move.

 

[MissionMan]

Funny I clicked this thread, no idea why but I also lived in Ohio and the job market absolutely sucked for IT. Same boat, wife didn't want to move.

Long story short, moving away from Ohio was the best decision I've made professionally. Honestly, Ohio was great for starting a family. Low cost of living, conservative values everywhere but big cities....etc. It's just not worth it to stick around once you have experience in your profession, no one pays your true value.

How often does your wife see her family/friends or whatever? 3hrs isn't that far to travel for weekends or holiday visits from family. If these are great opportunities for you and your family, you should pursue them and be supported to pursue them. I tripled my salary by packing up and moving. That's not "svtp dick swinging" talk either, I literally tripled my salary by moving 300 miles.

We are 360 miles from our hometown and still see family on holidays, one part of our family even moved to NY shortly after us!

You have to have some sense of adventure and take risks to get ahead in life, try getting your wife on board for a move.

 

[hb712]

Admittedly, these responses were not what I expected. This is not a particularly fun decision, but I appreciate all of your comments.

Funny I clicked this thread, no idea why but I also lived in Ohio and the job market absolutely sucked for IT. Same boat, wife didn't want to move.

Long story short, moving away from Ohio was the best decision I've made professionally. Honestly, Ohio was great for starting a family. Low cost of living, conservative values everywhere but big cities....etc. It's just not worth it to stick around once you have experience in your profession, no one pays your true value.

How often does your wife see her family/friends or whatever? 3hrs isn't that far to travel for weekends or holiday visits from family. If these are great opportunities for you and your family, you should pursue them and be supported to pursue them. I tripled my salary by packing up and moving. That's not "svtp dick swinging" talk either, I literally tripled my salary by moving 300 miles.

We are 360 miles from our hometown and still see family on holidays, one part of our family even moved to NY shortly after us!

You have to have some sense of adventure and take risks to get ahead in life, try getting your wife on board for a move.

Unfortunately, I don't have an easy variable like your pay increase to look to. If I stayed in one of the two cities I would be in temporarily, the difference would be about $40k /year. However, that difference is negligible when cost of living comes into play. What these opportunities would offer me would be realized more down the road than immediately (e.g., entrance into academia in ~10 years, which would be nigh impossible to do at all otherwise).

 

[SonicDTR]

Funny I clicked this thread, no idea why but I also lived in Ohio and the job market absolutely sucked for IT. Same boat, wife didn't want to move.

Long story short, moving away from Ohio was the best decision I've made professionally. Honestly, Ohio was great for starting a family. Low cost of living, conservative values everywhere but big cities....etc. It's just not worth it to stick around once you have experience in your profession, no one pays your true value.

How often does your wife see her family/friends or whatever? 3hrs isn't that far to travel for weekends or holiday visits from family. If these are great opportunities for you and your family, you should pursue them and be supported to pursue them. I tripled my salary by packing up and moving. That's not "svtp dick swinging" talk either, I literally tripled my salary by moving 300 miles.

We are 360 miles from our hometown and still see family on holidays, one part of our family even moved to NY shortly after us!

You have to have some sense of adventure and take risks to get ahead in life, try getting your wife on board for a move.

If you're talking move the entire family, then i'd absolutely agree with you. I have way too many friends "stuck" b/c they refuse to move somewhere with more opportunity. Get out there folks!!

 

[RDJ]

if it is only for a couple of years ... do it. I don't think I would do it more than 3 years tho. you will miss some things but with a young family you need to think long term not short term.

 

[Regulars520]

Put your family first. This is an easy decision if you do that. I have 5 kids, and I wouldnt give up a single day of coming home to them.

 

[nxhappy]

so you want to be away from your family for 90% of the week, and you want to make a little more money.

sounds like you hate your wife.

 

[allister]

I would say it depends on your relationship, and it might not be easy to tell if you've never done long distance before. However, I think the stronger it is, the better luck you have. For example some couples can't do long distance, doesn't last. Some can and prefer it that way, you'll never get sick of the other person. It sucks to miss your kids but I would think you would treasure the time you have with them that much more when you are with them. It's a difficult decision that only you can make, I say trust your gut feeling and go with it. Best of luck.

 

[hb712]

so you want to be away from your family for 90% of the week, and you want to make a little more money.

sounds like you hate your wife.

As I said in another comment, this is not really a monetary decision. Though that is clearly a variable to be considered, it is by no means controlling.

 

[lowflyn]

I'll give you a child's pov. My father worked 800 miles away m-f for 2 1/2 years. Brother was a toddler, I was preteen.

I just understood he was working. Saw him every weekend and just got used to that. It wasn't until years later I saw what my parents went through. Was much harder on their relationship than with my brother and I. He ended up leaving that company rather than stick it out and found a better job locally.