Question for those who've lost a parent

[Dusten]

Did you get closer to your remaining parent? Fade away from them?

My old man passed three years ago. He was like my best friend. I'm an only child. I took care of mom afterwards for about two years. She just remarried and I've all but completely cut off contract with her. She's changed her lifestyle and it's not something I want l associated with. I feel guilty, but at the same time, I'm not making these choices for her.

Thoughts? Experiences?

Here's a link to her wedding to give you an idea

http://www.eastoregonian.com/eo/local-news/20170724/couple-ties-knot-during-biker-wedding

 

[Outlaw99]

Lost both my parents. My mom in 93. My dad about a month ago. Losing my dad was tougher on me. Having both parents gone is such an emtpy feeling. After my mother died, me and my dad drifted apart....once he got sick, that Brought us closer. Looking back, he was the most loyal best friend. Its tough.

 

[StrayBullitt]

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Sounds maybe a little like you resent your Mom for moving on from your Dad since you two were close. That wouldn't really be fair to her though. Long as the dude is a good dude and is taking care of her and loves her and she's happy, I say try and be happy for her. She has a void to fill in her life too.

 

[PaxtonShelby]

I can't speak from experience, but try not to let your relationship with Mom fade. I can only imagine what losing your Dad was like for you. Now think how it was for your Mom. She knew him long before you arrived on the scene. I get that you might not be 100% on board with the changes she has made in her life, but it is her life. And her happiness is what is important. Her new husband is a big part of that, but so are you. You can be there for her without changing who you are.

Sometimes a hug can say what words can't.

Good luck and take care.

 

[Weather Man]

If your mom is happy, be happy for her, I wouldn't want my wife to be alone if I passed first.

 

[bosscj]

This is a tough decision to make. It will all come down to what is most important to you and after you make whichever decision can you live with the repercussions. I lost my only parent 2 years ago and my wife had our son in that same year so needless to say I had to grow up quick. Just think things through and weigh out both possibilities slowly before you rush into any decision you may regret later. Good luck with everything. Sorry for your loss. Keep your head up and stay positive!!

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[TK1299]

My step-father, who basically was my father, passed several years ago. I stayed with my mom briefly for moral support. She remarried and I don't see her very often and don't talk much either, except to affirm we both are still alive. The way I look at it is she moved on and is living her life. People change sometimes, parents aren't immune.

 

[Sonic605hp]

I dread the day either of mine go. I'm pretty close with both. I know you may not agree with your Mother's life choices but that's your Mom and unless she wronged you beyond belief you're going to regret not being around her when she's gone I suspect. Good look man I hope it works out.

 

[NJredfire03]

Lost my mom in 2013. She raised me and my two siblings as my parents divorced when I was VERY young. My dad was always in the picture and a part of our lives. She was 62 I was 29 at that time. Nothing has really changed between my dad and I. Or my dad and all of us. I have seen him more now than I have the past decade or so. But that can just be where our lives are now. Sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom OP. Maybe reach out and tell her how you feel. Sorry to say, but maybe the life she had before with your father and you wasn't what she fully wanted. That's harsh to hear but it could be true. Believe me when I say the life my dad had with my mom and us was NOT what he wanted. He has lived his life his way ever since. Hard pill to swallow, but is what it is. Gotta move on and do what you want.


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[tones_RS3]

I dread the day either of mine go. I'm pretty close with both.

Same here. My mom did and still does a lot for me and my brother.

 

[RedVenom48]

My mother and i werent close, growing up was a less than enjoyable experience. Mom and dad split, he was demonized as the enemy, didnt care, blah blah blah. Found out she lost her mind and tried to shank him when i was a toddler. Cant say i blame him for leaving. But he never chose to be out of my life, she made that her choice. His job took him to California (i was born and raised just outside of Chicago). Never let me fly out to visit him. Talked mad shit about my stepmom.. you know how the story goes.

Mother passed away Nov 11 2014 peacefully at my uncles house with he and my aunt next to her. I was supposed to drive up (San Diego to Vegas) to visit but didnt make it.

My dad and i had been building our father -son relationship for quite a few years. I suppose when she died.... there was this sort of relief. He was definitely there as a sounding board but mostly gave me my space to deal.

OP: Your mom has to live her life. Im sure its hard knowing she isnt with your dad. As long as her new husband treats her well and loves her, youve got to respect her decision.

 

[Blown 89]

Here's a link to her wedding to give you an idea

http://www.eastoregonian.com/eo/local-news/20170724/couple-ties-knot-during-biker-wedding

I'm impressed that they got Susan Boyle as an officiant.

I thought about typing out my experience but I'm wary about some vindictive **** on the internet using that info so I'll just say that as long as my family members are happy I'm happy for them.

 

[Thump_rrr]

My parents had me late in life.
I am an only child.
My Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's somewhere around 2002.
My Father took care of her till late 2008 when he was diagnosed with cancer.
My Father died in early 2009.
By then my Mother didn't remember who he was.
I took care of her at home with the help of someone till late 2014.
By this time she didn't know who I was and couldn't walk anymore.

I had to place her in a home where she lies in bed 24/7 besides when they put her in a chair.
She doesn't recognize anyone.

I wish my mom would have been in your moms position.

 

[03cobra#694]

Lost my mom years ago, and my dad in December. I loved them both the same, but my dad ****ed up letting my sister take care of everything. I guarantee my mom is still turning over in her urn. Needless to say...I have no family that I associate with except my kids. Basically stole $200,000 from me. Karma is a bitch ****.

 

[Iamchris]

OP, I can relate.
I wont go into too many details because I'm not sure it will help but my father lost himself after my mother passed away in 2011. He struggled with alcohol and drugs (while living in my house), eventually moved out for good and got married rather quickly after my mothers death.
I believe my mother was good at helping him live, and when she passed away, my father lost guidance, his reason to do better, and his ultimatum to not mess up too badly.
Now, I won't bash the choices he has made, but I don't usually agree with them. I don't speak with him often, but I still love him, and I speak with him when the occasion arises.
Imagine if your life suddenly changed so drastically that you had the chance to reinvent yourself, especially at a moment when life seems so fragile. You might stop caring so much about perception, rules, and future planning and just do whatever you want.
You don't have to agree with her, you don't have to like her, but you should keep loving her.
Remember, just like you lost your father, you will one day lose your mother... don't make decisions that you will regret. But, if you are happy with your decisions, stand by them.

 

[Machdup1]

Lost my mom years ago, and my dad in December. I loved them both the same, but my dad ****ed up letting my sister take care of everything. I guarantee my mom is still turning over in her urn. Needless to say...I have no family that I associate with except my kids. Basically stole $200,000 from me. Karma is a bitch ****.

After my father passed, my brother (the lawyer) and one of my sisters (the CPA) moved in with my mom and have been sponging off her ever since. My brother then moved in his heroin addicted girlfriend and haven't spoken to any of them since. I have no use for free loaders.

Here is hoping they die in a fire.

 

[Dusten]

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Sounds maybe a little like you resent your Mom for moving on from your Dad since you two were close. That wouldn't really be fair to her though. Long as the dude is a good dude and is taking care of her and loves her and she's happy, I say try and be happy for her. She has a void to fill in her life too.

No, I don't resent her. She's young. She needs to move on. Plus, I'm no longer taking care of her. I just dislike the crowd she's chosen to move towards. I don't want my family around it or associated with it.

I can't speak from experience, but try not to let your relationship with Mom fade. I can only imagine what losing your Dad was like for you. Now think how it was for your Mom. She knew him long before you arrived on the scene. I get that you might not be 100% on board with the changes she has made in her life, but it is her life. And her happiness is what is important. Her new husband is a big part of that, but so are you. You can be there for her without changing who you are.

Sometimes a hug can say what words can't.

Good luck and take care.

In my case, my dad and mom married when I was 9 and he adopted me. I won't say I we closer to him than her, because that's foolish, but when they separated for two years, I lived with him and didn't see her the entire time.

If your mom is happy, be happy for her, I wouldn't want my wife to be alone if I passed first.

Again, I'm happy for her, I just don't want to be around those people

I dread the day either of mine go. I'm pretty close with both. I know you may not agree with your Mother's life choices but that's your Mom and unless she wronged you beyond belief you're going to regret not being around her when she's gone I suspect. Good look man I hope it works out.

 

[Silverstrike]

Lost my mom in 2001 on Aug 21st as she basically died from a torn pulminary artery from a vehicle wreck at around 1 PM and died somtime before midnight as I found her face down at 3 AM on the 22nd. So yeah it hit me hard as she was only 48. But I still am close to my dad to this day.

 

[BrunotheBoxer]

Some of these posts are very depressing. I dread the day I lose one of my parents. No one loves you like a mother and father.

 

[Sinister04L]

I lost my dad after heart surgery 3 years ago and I lost my mom last year from cancer. They both had been sick for years and fought every step of the way. I was close with both and my relationship with my mom didn't change after my dad passed.

It's very strange with both of them gone. Kind of surreal. It's really weird around the holidays. I miss them.