Sounds like you are comfortable being miserable.....like many people. People will stay in what they think is their "safe zone" or "comfort zone", but really, they are staying in a personal hell that feels impossible to escape. Step into uncertainty. Step into being uncomfortable. Sounds like you need some major changes in life. Keep in mind though, a "major" change can be something like a change of perception or something similar. That doesn't mean you need to cut your **** off and start identifying as something else....or maybe it does idk.
Take care of yourself, don't give up. There will be plenty of time to rest when your time comes. There is hope, and be open to the idea that you will eventually find your way. You never know what is around the corner.
Do you have a social network? Family, friends? I'm not saying your suicidal or anything but I knew a guy who worked the phones at a suicide hotline and he said 90%+ of the people who called had no social network whatsoever.
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